Day 66 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 66

So thoroughly disgusted by the state of our government at this time and it is hard to think of anything else. I know taking breaks from social media is wise but men (and WOMEN!) in suits are about to give a rapist a seat on the Supreme Court and it is impossible to ignore. I desperately need to figure out how to earn more money so I can feed myself, get an actual place to live, and figure out how to not be depressed anymore but this is making me trust society even less. Disappointed that so many women bring each other down when men are terrorizing all of us. Worrying about my own shit seems selfish at this time but I still cannot take care of anyone or anything if I cannot take care of myself. As I’ve been writing this, I’ve been reloading news about Kavanaugh and it looks like he will get what he wants even though he is a rapist. I think it is safe to say that mind-altering drugs are real… and they might be made of money. So thoroughly disgusted.

Permanent retreat into my own science fiction universe sounds like the best idea at this time but who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow. Even that option wouldn’t help me find a way to create sustainable income today or make any real connections with actual humans. If we all resort to escapism, we’ll crumble under this reign of terror… and that is exactly what they want.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Post today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video

7.     Go to work and kick ass

SONG OF THE DAY

DJ Shadow “Dark Days” 2000

Day 65 of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 65

Still over here tryna learn how to be a healthy human. I’ve been coughing so much I feel like I’ve been OD’ing on ab workout videos. My creative ideas are flowing like crazy but I must prioritize hydration, nutrition, and overall health over everything. Still not sure how to put that into action when I’m trying to save every penny to move somewhere as soon as possible but I’ll figure this out. Taking a nap before I head into work in hopes I’ll feel more alive when I wake.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Post today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video

7.     Go to work and kick ass

SONG OF THE DAY

FKA Twigs “Hide” 2014 This video is amazing when you’re able to ignore that one of the kids looks like he peed his pants.

Day 64 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 64

I finally let my Sister take my temperature and I realized that I’ve had a fever for four days. I do not remember the last time I checked in on my temperature. I’ve never owned a thermometer (that wasn’t for cooking) as an adult. When I checked this morning, the fever was gone but I am not yet functional. I was disappointed to call in sick to work but it would have been irresponsible to deliver food in this state even if it is technically possible. I tried to be good and not watch any screens last night so I’d have a better chance to fall asleep but that turned into anger/sadness/regret/anger/sadness/regret and so on for eight hours. I eventually fell asleep shortly after I heard my nephew waking up this morning. When I woke up a couple hours later my shirt was soaked through. The job is so easy that I still worked two full shifts while dizzy with a fever but that doesn’t make it right. I really don’t want to write too much today because my optimism is temporarily out of order and the things I’m inspired to write would only express my anger, sadness, and regret. At this time I am most grateful that I have two Sisters that I love more than anything else in this entire universe, that I don’t have to pay my student loans for a year because I’m officially too poor, and that I finally watched Coco this morning.

Stars don’t fit in.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Post today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video

SONG OF THE DAY

Charlotte Day Wilson “Nothing New” 2018

Day 63 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 63

Feeling way better than yesterday and also more ready to tackle my first three goals… for real this time. I have never actually measured how much water I drink but I know it hasn’t been enough. I’m finally hungry again so I’m looking forward to eating all the things, like Kalbi Beef Tacos from Marination. Watching part of Lord Of The Rings did help refill my metaphorical vessel a bit because it was time I did not spend on social media. I wholeheartedly admit that I scroll too much because I like to see what is going on in the world and with the people I’m too in my head to hang out with. The current events with Kavanaugh and Queen Dr. Christine Blasey Ford hit extremely close to home and it hurts too much to see often. Trump and his cronies want us to be divided and sad and it is working too well. Terrified to know what they are distracting us from this time. Anyway, I must take a mini break from Facebook and Twitter (duh Liz) and only use it to promote my own projects for a bit. #justsaynotoscrolling

I’m currently researching how some of our favorite legends/stories began. Specifically, did Tolkien start with a map or a cast of characters or an outline, or did he just start writing? I wonder the same thing about J.K. Rowling, Alan Moore with Watchmen, and pretty much every comic book or series ever. Since Tolkein was an Oxford professor I’m pretty sure he must have already known a ton about the legends he placed in the series and would definitely not have just started writing. At first I wasn’t sure if I would find any useful use for my UW History Degree but some of my favorite authors were History Professors that weaved their historical knowledge in with Fantasy to create incredible results. At some point for school I read a Deborah Harkness (another History Professor) book about London’s Alchemy Community in the 16th Century called The Jewel House that was written so well that I could hardly tell it was a History book. After I graduated, I found the time to read her Fantasy book, A Discovery Of Witches, and I was hooked. I’ve always been curious about the origins of legends and was planning on further researching the topic more while in Europe. I studied King Arthur and I cannot wait to go to Tintagel Castle and Merlin’s Cave even though he is likely a purely fictional character like @TheRingOfDOOM. Fairies, elves, goblins, and other fantastical creatures are also rooted in Europe and I’d love to go take deep breaths in a place where they’re rumored to have existed. History is written by the survivors and sometimes even voted on by the elites of the time (Council Of Nicaea) and we may never know the stories of those who they squashed. The point of all this is I have already created so many elements of @TheRingOfDOOM’s story but haven’t put it all together yet. Over a year ago, I made a list of all the things I had already mentioned on his Instagram and it was six pages long. His story is very visual so it will definitely be a photo-graphic novel (I can’t draw and I want to keep working on my photography skills) and I truly can’t wait to see what I come up with next. Currently daydreaming about the layout of his home planet. It sure will be wicked awesome when I get my shit together enough to actually make this happen. Fortunately, we live in a time when I can publish it myself if I feel so inclined but I’d really love to work with Fantagraphics and/or another publisher with an excellent reputation. Anything is possible if I JUST DOOM IT.

Since I’m still recovering from the sickness and I’m hoping to be closer to full operating mode tomorrow for work, I’m not going to try to do too much today. I’ve never been good at being still and in general the more I do, the better I feel but sleep and relaxation is good, so I’ve heard. All I know for sure is that I drink enough water, eat three meals, and stretch for at least ten minutes, I will feel better tomorrow than I do today. I still have yet to finalize today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video but I have drafted so many over the last few years, these first ones will likely be me clearing out my iMovie to make room for the new stuff. Wonder how long it will take me to ask an actual person to be in one of his movies…

 TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Post today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video

7.     Go for a walk

SONG OF THE DAY

DEPECHE MODE “The World In My Eyes”1990  Violator remains to be one of my favorite albums and this whole blog is pretty much about me wanting to show you the world in my eyes full time.

Day 62 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 62

Today I’m wondering how to refill the metaphorical vessel once it has run dry. Having fabulous adventures usually does it but I can no longer afford to go anywhere. On this day more than others, I’m counting the days until my health insurance kicks in. I’ve been trying to ignore that I’m sick at the moment and just keep on going but that does not work. Pretty sure I’m so dehydrated and malnutritioned that it warrants whatever tube doctors use to rehydrate you and give you the nutrients you need but I’m not rolling like that. No one at work could even tell I was sick because they don’t know me well enough to see the difference. I’m so used to operating in a deficit, I just keep on going even when my body starts shutting itself down. I know I’ve placed myself in a slingshot of my own creation and that I’m pulling myself back so I can spring forward but this cold has me feeling all the pain (physically and emotionally). Gotta keep this one short because my brain hurts today. If I wasn’t writing this daily blog and doing two 100 Day Projects, I may have been lost in Middle Earth all day… will try refilling my vessel with Lord Of The Rings.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Post today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video

SONG OF THE DAY

Enigma “Sadeness” 1990

Day 61 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 61

I can’t be the only one that has looked up “how to be a healthy grownup.” The Google results do not give me the answers I am looking for. If they did teach us this in school, I buried it under a few decades of ignoring my needs to be a subservient employee/person. What I used to call strategic dehydration so I could work without having to take bathroom breaks and impress my bosses, I now see was prioritizing other’s needs before my own and was self-destructive. A vague memory of a meditation lesson in a junior high portable just emerged but we mostly giggled through it because someone farted or something. I could really use a definitive list of all the things I need to do/eat to be healthy but only I can make that list. I guess it is obvious when I really think about it but putting it into action daily is tricky.  I’ve accomplished the most when I’m on my Mary Poppins, meaning when I turn my to do list into a game. It would be wise if I made a gameboard of how to be a healthy adult sooner than later. I would put stuff on it like vitamins, drinking water, stretching, eating vegetables, brushing/flossing, learning how to relax, etc. My huge 90 minute work block bulletin board (with 421 completed work blocks and only eleven-ish completed 10 minute stretches) remains intact in my storage unit with the rest of my art/life/nostalgia supplies… maybe it’s time for a new travel-size bulletin board as I’m still living out of a suitcase and small backpack. I’m still amazed by the art I made during my blind pursuit of my own creativity but I need to reprioritize my whole shit. We can’t accomplish any of our dreams at all if we’re dehydrated, malnutritioned, and tied in knots (emotionally/physically). 

Last night I dreamed that one of my favorite visual artists was my friend and when I woke up I was bummed that I haven’t even met him yet. He’s been brave enough to share his journey toward sobriety with the world and it made me love him even more. I know I’ll meet him eventually and I hope we get to have some real conversations. Even though I’ve literally given last minute advice to tons of superfans (and have gotten many jobs because I’m so good at being around/helping/driving famous people) about how to be cool when they meet their heroes, I’m still terrible at meeting my own unless we get to work together. The first great example of this is when I met Peanut Butter Wolf at a festival. A photo of him I made at the release of the Stones Throw documentary, Our Vinyl Weighs A Ton, was my phone wallpaper for years because I was working toward being the Peanut Butter Wolf of Seattle in my own weird way. I drove solo all the way to LA from Seattle to go the event and didn’t talk to him; even though he was less than three feet away from me. I still have the same goal to help artists be their best selves but fortunately I’ve gotten even weirder and have expanded my mission to include the entire universe. When I met him, all I could say was, “will you take a picture with my friend” and handed him @TheRingOfDOOM like a dumbass. The time I met Dan The Automator, one of my all-time favorite producers, I may have listed off too many of his projects that I loved and I’m pretty sure I weirded him out. At least he knows I guess? Here’s hoping when I eventually meet Prince Paul, Danger Mouse, Alchemist, and Evidence I’m able to play it a little bit cooler. Ideally, I’ll get a chance to work with these artists so that I can show them I’m not messin around and that I’d be the best possible addition to their team.

I want to write about all the political bullshit but it is still too painful and hits too close to home. Most of the men I have been mistreated by likely do not even realize the damage they have done or that they were doing anything wrong. I have received zero ill treatment (of a sexual harassment nature) from men while on the job in the music industry but I am confident that I have not gotten jobs because I am a woman. I don’t want to go into detail on the specific jobs because my heart remains broken and they may come around eventually. The Underground Hip Hop world is a total sausage fest and while I do know some totally bad ass women in the community, most of the key players I once hoped to work with and learn from are men. To anyone out there who thinks I’m in this to date rappers… if that was my goal, I would not have been single for the last six years and go fuck yourself.

It’s time to put a bow on this so I can finish up Day 2 of #100DaysOfTheRingOfDOOMvideos and head to work. My first payday is tomorrow and it could not have come any sooner. Soon I’ll be able to breathe!

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to work and kick ass

7.     Work on next @TheRingOfDOOM video

8.     Start November playlist

SONG OF THE DAY

Massive Attack “Paradise Circus” 2010 If you like this song as much as I do, you’ll love the remix by Gui Borrato.

Day 60 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 60

I’m happy to say that I completed all of my goals yesterday aside from the water… the easiest one. The September playlist has already been released and I’ll be posting my latest @TheRingOfDOOM video shortly. I kicked off #100DaysOfStickersWith206LizPartDeux yesterday and today will be the first day of #100DaysOfTheRingOfDOOMvideos. These 100 Day projects help me to stay on track on the days when I wonder why I’m doing all this. I already have 100+ sticker photos so that will be easy but the video one will be my big challenge. Looking forward to seeing how my videos evolve over the next 100 days. I don’t think I’ll be uploading them to Facebook anymore cuz they are d-bags.

Day 2 of #100DaysOfStickersWith206LizPartDeux

Today I’ll be working an extra long shift (Only 8 hours! Usually the shifts are 4 hours.) at the pizza spot so I’ll rake in even more dough. Looking forward to seeing the first direct deposits come through so I can pay my bills weeks before they are due like a boss. The gig economy is rough to say the least and causes all of us to say yes to jobs that aren’t paying us what we’re worth because every penny counts. In the past month, I’ve turned down three great gigs (two of them tours) in favor of health/dental and some form of stability. I’m prioritizing this creative work now so I will have something to come back to when I return from the many tours I plan to go on in the future. The post-tour depression is too real when you’ve worked yourself into solitary confinement and have been returning “home” to squat in your 10x10 art studio for the last 11 months. I’ll figure this shit out eventually as long as I keep on doing, working smarter, working harder, and hanging out with actual people who want to see me succeed.

Someone asked me on Reddit if they could use my flamingo sunset collage as their Soundcloud song image and I’m not sure what to say about it. I know I should get paid if someone wants to use my art but this is my first time in this situation so it’s tricky. At this point, I’m thinking about dropping my PayPal link in the reply and saying yes with the condition that I will use the image myself someday… fuck it, I’m going to say no. This artist only has three songs and no other social media presence so I don’t think I want to open the door to random Reddit messages from this person. If someone did want to use the image in the future (myself included), I’d rather it be someone I know… or would like to know. I’m not going to be that nice anymore. I still have 20 Organic cotton blank black tote bags that are in need of an image and maybe that is the one.

Today I did things in a different order so I’ve already completed a few of my goals. It helps to have some sort of structure to the day when you’re trying to get a lot of things done… duh Liz. I’ve abandoned the 90 minute work blocks for a bit and just keep on working when I feel so inclined. I may get back into it but first I want to see what I accomplish over the next week without the blocks.

The September Spotify Playlist has arrived!

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to work and kick ass

7.     Work on next @TheRingOfDOOM video

8.     Start November playlist

9.     Fold laundry

10.  Post September playlist and promote

11.  Post Day 1 of #100DaysOfTheRingOfDOOMvideos

SONG OF THE DAY

Jessie Reyez “Apple Juice” 2018  She’s so rad.

Day 59 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 59

Yesterday I worked and spent most of the rest of the day attempting to relax. I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to go back to Portland to make more photos. One of my would-be favorite shots from Burnside has my finger in it so my perfectionism won’t let me post it. I’ll be heading downtown to take some photos this afternoon before work because there are some spots I haven’t photographed in too long. I’ve been procrastinating the completion of my video from the beach like a dumbass. If I really want to do myself a service, I’ll start my next two 100 Day Projects today so I can feel like I’m making progress in life. Even though I’ve never made a penny off my websites, they have led to every opportunity in the music industry I’ve ever had so I know it is worth it to keep going.

Favorite photo from my field trip.

Sometimes I think I don’t have the entrepreneur gene but then I remember that my cousin and I created our own newspaper when we were around 10 and had actual subscribers. We hand typed every issue ON TYPEWRITERS and charged 25 cents each; it was called the Market Street Reporter. I believe I have one or two in my storage unit somewhere (I’ve had most of my belongings in storage for almost two years now). The truth is that I haven’t pulled the trigger on most of my ideas because I doubt myself AND because I still feel weird about using DOOM’s likeness and making money from it. I have asked them in the past if they’d like me to stop but they asked if I would send them what I was working on. The zine I had just made was crude and unimpressive but I sent it to them anyway. No response from that but I totally get it. When you know you’re going to be sending whatever you make to your one of your favorite rapper’s teams, the stakes feel higher. I still want to make the photo-graphic novel and videos because it’ll help me to learn new skills and develop the story. At one point a French duo called NowFutur created a DOOM mix called Origins Of The Villain using samples from his songs and his original sources to create a video project that inspired DOOM to have them open for him at some of his European shows. Anything is possible if I make the thing and vice versa.

My trip to Europe feels so far off now because it is. Unless I can get some sponsors, I won’t be able to go until the spring. That would give me time to hopefully earn enough to pay for my dental work (even with my insurance) and raise the funds for the trip itself. Ideally, I’ll also be able to have enough to live somewhere when I get back. I’ve already got the Skyscanner alerts set so I can hopefully get the ticket for under $500 like last time. The trip won’t magically happen in the spring, I will have to make it happen with small steps every day. I’ll be seeking out a sublet situation once I earn the fundage… soon. So excited for the paychecks to start flowing. I don’t plan on living alone so it should be pretty affordable. Usually I just want to hide in my room and make stuff anyway so I’m a great roommate.

The sad photo with a finger in it.

Sometimes writing this blog makes me feel like I’m just talking about the things I want to do instead of just doing them… because it is true. I enjoy the act of writing and would love to keep doing it, I just can’t let it take up so much time that it replaces creating the rest of the art I want to make. Even though I know where I want to go, the route is still blurry. All I know for sure is that I won’t get anywhere if I don’t keep finishing stuff. I didn’t complete any of the things I wanted to yesterday so my goals remain the same but I added a walk.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to work and kick ass

7.     Make a video from the footage I got yesterday at the ocean.

8.     Finish September Spotify playlist

9.     Go for a walk and make some new photos.

SONG OF THE DAY

Gorillaz “Tomorrow Comes Today” 2001  If I keep on putting it off until tomorrow, I’ll be running in place forever.

Day 58 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 58

Field trips are always a win. I drove to Cannon Beach, Oregon by way of Portland so I could get some Pok Pok Wings and a few photos at Burnside before making iPhone magic at the Goonies Beach. I have so many more photos to take in Portland; fortunately, I re-met someone at LoFi who can show me some of the best spots I haven’t found yet. I know I’ll be back soon; it is impossible for me to resist field trips and goldmines of Street Art.

I had forgotten how much I love being at LoFi for Stop Biting. When I got divorced, I went there almost every Tuesday for a few years because the place was always filled with the best humans. I remain addicted to being in rooms with people nodding their heads in unison. I knew I’d get a bunch of hugs if I went and I was right. It’s always worth it to go out into the world especially if you’re feeling down.

Starting a full week of work today but the shifts are so short that it will fly by. Haven’t heard back about the dog walking job just yet but for now the free time to write/create is awesome. I plan on kicking off a 100 day @TheRingOfDOOM video project soon because I know it’ll help me to learn and to start churning the videos out faster. I’ll also be posting another 100 stickers because if I don’t, the photos will ferment in my camera roll forever. Procrastinating for no reason other than it is my natural state…

I’ll be introducing some new characters in my next @TheRingOfDOOM video that crack me up already. I’m going to have to start doing voices for them soon because the limited text options on my iPhone’s iMovie are not cutting it. I’ll likely use a filter for some of the character’s voices so I can still do the whole thing myself. I love working with other people on creative projects but it goes so much faster if I don’t have to wait on others. That said, there are a ton of people I’d love to make videos with… soon.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to work and kick ass

7.     Make a video from the footage I got yesterday at the ocean.

8.     Finish September Spotify playlist

SONG OF THE DAY

Everything Is Recorded feat. Sampha “Close But Not Quite” 2018

Day 57 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 57

Headed to the ocean today to answer its call. I usually spend over an hour and a half writing but today I’ll share this video I made on the beach in Manzanita, OR a few years ago and hit the road.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Drive to the ocean to take photos of my art and have a fabulous time

SONG OF THE DAY

Aim “Cold Water Music” 1999  Pretty sure this has already been a song of the day but I make the rules here…

Day 56 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 56

Due to a wait list win at my first craniosacral therapy appointment (gift from my sister and brother-in-law) later today, I’ll be heading to the ocean tomorrow instead. When this works as it is intended, my body should be able to relax for the first time in decades. Definitely nervous to see how this works but I’m curious to see if it will affect my posture because so much of the work is done around the spinal cord. I’ve been a sloucher as long as I can remember because I’ve been attempting to be invisible. FYI, almost everything I know about craniosacral therapy is due to Googling it a few minutes ago. I wasn’t going to write about it because it seems so personal but it is part of my story so it must be included. The goal of this blog was to share my journey and this is part of it. Fortunately, talking about therapy is more normalized than in previous years and not getting help at this time would keep my growth stunted permanently.

I did get some new @TheRingOfDOOM photos yesterday but for the most part I’m having trouble figuring out what to do with the storyline. Most of the stories I’ve created with him in the past have been written after I got the photos but I believe some of my best work was made when I storyboarded the video first or had a plan for the photo shoot. I had the first page of his photo-graphic novel origin story taped to the wall in my studio for at least six months but never started it because it seems like such an advanced maneuver to actually do it. I love the idea of releasing a graphic novel a chapter at a time in comic book/zine form and then releasing all the chapters at once in book form once there is an audience for it. If I actually create the first few chapters, I’ll have something to send to publishers so I can start the process of getting rejected many times before someone finally decides to run with it. I’m not sure if anyone has made a graphic novel with photos yet but I think it is an amazing idea.

I’m looking forward to the clarity I’ll find by going to this appointment today and field tripping to the ocean tomorrow. The long drives almost always help me to focus on what I need to do the most. That said, I already know that all I need to do is to keep on making stuff every day. I need to get over the fact that I can’t make my storyboarded European miniseries and just keep doing. Still not sure if I want to finish my TheRingOfDOOM Vs. The Vulcan Of Amazonia video because making a video about how the world’s richest man is terrible could make me the enemy of all those who work for him. I’m not here on Earth to make enemies, I’m here to unite people and make them happier. Even with this as my mission, I have somehow created people who don’t like me. A local musician actually blocked me on Twitter because I dared to promote their amazing music and tag them (like I have for hundreds/thousands of others in the last nine years) so no matter what direction I go in, there will be haters… even spreading love and great music. The best thing I can do is to create the art I want to see in the world that only I can make and surround myself with awesome, driven, creative people who actually like me and want to see me succeed.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Finish adding songs to September playlist

7.     Go to craniosacral therapy appointment

8.     Go to Stop Biting at LoFi

9.     Go for a walk in an interesting area and take photos

SONG OF THE DAY

Rhye “Hymn” 2018  New Rhye… love this band.

Day 55 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 55

Yesterday I worked, went to a show, and spent some time next to Lake Washington. After work, I went to see some of my favorite Minneapolis people at Barboza and got to hang out with one of my favorite rap friends. The best part about being around underground rappers (or any artist really) is that they can totally relate to the post-tour depression and the emotional wear-and-tear of putting your art into the world. Dessa was at the show too because she had her sold out book release event for “My Own Devices” at Third Place Books earlier in the day. So happy to know that woman! Her new book is amazing and it’s extremely helpful to hear/read stories about women that have worked towards their dreams and made them a reality. I have so much love for everyone I’ve been on tour with.

My favorite thing about this job is that it is the easiest possible version of all the driving jobs I’ve had in the past… and I make more money doing it. The customer interaction of a pizza delivery is usually less than one minute and it’s awesome seeing how fast the tips add up. The fact that I don’t have to learn a new skill to be good at this job will help keep my brain open for all the video projects I’ll be kicking off soon but am still procrastinating for some reason. Still haven’t heard back about the dog walking job but it’ll be nice to have time to go on photo walks and make stuff before AND after I go to work. This one job will earn me more than enough money to pay my bills, live in a place with roommates, and to save some money… in only 4-5 hours a day. Triple bonus, I don’t have to serve drunk people!

Tomorrow I’m going to pilgrimage to the ocean. It always helps me to focus my ideas and another plus is that it gives me time to catch up on the podcasts of my favorite people. It’ll be a day in which I eat all my favorite foods and test drive the September playlist before I release it. All of my playlists are road trip tested before I post them; if a song comes on and I’m like, “what the fuck is this,” I know it’s gotta be deleted. That’s usually when it becomes obvious that I’ve added the song just because I like the person and/or they are from Seattle. That Alt-J/Goldlink song I posted yesterday really does it for me. As I write this my Hip Hop playlist has 96 followers. Most of them are due to a Reddit win; but I think the rad playlist image I made with a photo of Outkast from an old Fader magazine is part of the reason it’s kicking ass. I have a bunch of new Underground Hip Hop mixed in with the classics and now has over 670 songs and growing almost every day. Here’s hoping some of the underground artists actually get to see some fundage from the list.

The thing about quitting coffee is that it helps me to realize where my energy is coming from. When I drink coffee I have a ton of energy, when I don’t I seek that fuel from the actual nutrients I need to survive. I haven’t had any caffeine withdrawal headaches and it has been a week since I quit. Usually by the time I finish my blog, I’m no longer sitting but instead poised as if I’m ready to start a race at the edge of my seat because my coffee has kicked in and I’m ready to fly. Now I feel more like I’m ready to take a nap. The thing about the giant can of coffee I had been working on for the last two months is that I never measured the coffee, I just put a bunch in there and poured water over it; recipe for jet fueled panic attacks. I have quit coffee at least four times over the last five years and it gets easier to quit with every relapse because it makes me feel so crazy inside that I must quit. Time to finish the writing portion of the day and move on to the next…

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water (I’m crushing this goal already)

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Add 20+ more songs to September playlist so I can test drive it tomorrow and delete the weakest links to get the playlist to 111 songs.

7.     Pack bag to bring to the ocean. Supplies for photo shoot etc.

8.     Go get a new Discover Pass so I’m ready to roll tomorrow.

SONG OF THE DAY

Gavlyn “Already Know” feat. Dizzy Wright & Jarren Benton (Prod. By DJ Hoppa) 2018

Day 54 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 54

My new job is pretty rad as far as jobs go. I’ll make good money in a short amount of time and get to drive around my really expensive jukebox listening to all my new favorite songs. One of the things I love about this company is that it is locally owned (not a corporation) and they treat their employees well enough for some of them to only have one job. Crazy right? What a concept. I also finally got my check from Bumbershoot so I can do crazy shit like pay my bills a couple weeks before they’re due like a boss. I might even do myself a solid and drive to the ocean on my next day off to take photos of my water art on the beach. I’d say the ocean has been calling me but it feels more like it has been yelling at me. I am not sure the exact location, nor do I really want to know, but my parents lived near the ocean before/when I was born so I was likely conceived there. Hmmmm.

I’m not sure if this sticker’s info is true but it sure seems right.

I realized last night that Facebook edited scenes out of my latest @TheRingOfDOOM movie. They edited out the iPhone footage of the Lincoln Memorial and a few videos captured of the fountains near Washington Monument and replaced it with a still photo that says “end tyranny.”Hope that helps you get all the money you need for your collab empire with the government Zuckerberg! The top of my post (when I see it) says “your video is partially muted” but the sound remains the same; it is the visuals that have changed. I wonder if everyone else’s iPhone videos of the capitol are edited by Facebook/the man. The YouTube version that remains unedited by the man is much better. I knew Facebook was douchey but I didn’t realize it was at edit the content of your videos douchey.

Since Facebook won’t let me embed the video, here’s a link to the post.

Instagram has been tough lately because my camera roll is stale and I’m still in mourning about the photos that would have been. I do have a ton of great unposted photos but I can’t get better at my craft by posting old photos. I haven’t done much walking lately so it’s time to get back into it. I’m going to start #100DaysOfStickersWith206lizPartDeux because I still have tons of sticker photos. All the best people say that when it gets tough, that’s when you push yourself harder. The trick to refreshing my camera roll will be to try to experience my own city like I’m a tourist… tricky when there are memories at almost every corner but I got this.

I’m going to start popping up at local music events again this week because I miss everyone. My new work schedule has me off work at the perfect time to make it happen. Stoked to get so many shifts lined up already and also to know that I will now have a steady flow of money into my bank account; such a relief. I’ll be able to make my eventual Europe trip so much better by having actually money and not being in the middle of a lack-of-fundage panic attack when it is time to depart. Now I’m super excited at the thought of paying off all my debts and getting all that behind me. It seemed an impossible feat when I was hoping to make money selling $2.00 CDs on eBay and with my art but I’m all over this. It will take patience, working smarter, AND working harder.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water (I’m crushing this goal already)

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Continued work on September playlist

7.     Take the art out of my trunk so there is room for pizza.

8.     Kick ass at work and make actual money.

9.     Go for a photo walk.

SONG OF THE DAY

Alt-J – “Last Year” feat. Goldlink (Terrace Martin Version) 2018  I’m pretty sure I’ll be overplaying this for days. It’ll be one of the many stars of my soon-to-be-released September playlist.

Day 53 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 53

Today is my orientation and first day of work at the pizza spot. Very excited to have a job with free food again and 59 days until I get to sign up for health and dental insurance. Yesterday I completed 11 of my 13 goals. I did not get all my Instagram photos in and I didn’t make any new @TheRingOfDOOM photos. So far his newest body has only been photographed in my old studio and I really want to make his first photo shoot next level amazing. Perfection is the killer of progress though. Gotta just DOOM it! I made five new photoshopped promo images for yet to be released playlists and travel posts last night and I can’t wait to share them. I realized that I can recycle the thousands of photos I’ve made so far on my previous adventures and still be a latergram travel blogger/photographer. Excited to continue to make photoshop collages, they’re rad because there is no mess to clean up when you’re finished and I can use images of anything for free.

Super excited to start earning money again. I have always been a workaholic but when you know exactly what you’re working toward, it is easier to get through the difficult spots. I’ve really enjoyed writing every day because it helps me to work through my bullshit but also because I’ve always really loved the process. I really hope that others are inspired to speak up about their pain because I know that so many of us are feeling alone in our struggles. Being 100% honest about the epic journeys in our brains will draw all the best people to us and vice versa. Can’t wait to meet a bunch of new people today. It’s always interesting to me to see how long it takes for me to disclose that I almost always have a fictional character and a tiny skateboard with me. I may need to try to push these blogs out faster so I can get more done in a day but I’m grateful for the time I’ve been able to spend on them so far.

I already released @TheRingOfDOOM 00013: CONTEMPTIBLE CAPITOL OF CORRUPTION here on my website today via YouTube and I uploaded it to Facebook last night as well. If I disappear, it is because Cheeto and his cronies are mad at me for making the video… know this. The video was 100% made on my iPhone with footage I gathered in DC while on tour with Dessa and I also included anti-Trump photos from all over the US. I attempted to airdrop it to my laptop so I’d have more options for text but my almost at capacity 2013 Mac is still rejecting the arrival of large video files. I’m getting better with every video so I can’t wait to see what I’ll be making in a month or even a year from now. If we wait to have fancy equipment to make videos/photos, we may be waiting forever. Just DOOM it.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to orientation/work

7.     Work on September playlist

SONG OF THE DAY

Gabriel Teodros feat. Otieno Terry – “Everything Comes To Light”2018 

Day 52 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 52

So much can change in a day if you make it so. In two months my HEALTH AND DENTAL INSURANCE will kick in at my new job delivering pizza at a locally owned spot that does business the right way. Jobs with free food are wicked awesome… especially when you just drop it off and don’t have to wipe up the spills at their feet. Of course it would have been cooler to write a story on dental tourism in Spain but this feels very Sofia Amoruso/Girlboss at this time and I’m more than ready to work my ass off. I already filled out the paperwork and get to start tomorrow; I love it when the hiring process goes so quickly. One of the best things about this job is that the harder I work, the more money I make. So many jobs do not reward efficiency so the slackers I was working alongside would make the same as my overachieving self. My new schedule leaves me with many hours in the day to find a midday job as well so I’m adding researching/applying for dog walking jobs to today’s to do list. This means I’ll be keeping my car until further notice and staying with generous family in the greater Seattle area until I have enough fundage to move into a sublet… which will be sooner than later. I realize this goes back on three of my declarations; wanted to leave Seattle, using my car to make money, working a job just for the $; but I need money like years ago so that’s just the way its gotta be. My support system is here. I used to deliver pizza in the late 90s at a spot in North Lake Tahoe before I had a cell phone and loved it; I’ll make the most of it and get to listen to tons of great music while I’m driving.

I finally sold some boots on eBay that have been sitting in a box unworn for years so today I get to go on a treasure hunt in my storage unit which is currently a hot mess like the rest of me. I’ll still be living out of my suitcase and small backpack for awhile but I will have access to all the rest of my random stuff if I need it. As much as I love making my collages, I’m going to backburner it for a while because I need to take the time to get good at the thing I want to do the most; video. The gig economy makes it tricky to get good at one thing because I’ve had to wear so many hats over the years but I want to be good at creating videos so I’ll put in the work. I’m hesitant to make it a #100DayProject (it would be my fourth) because I know how much work it will be and I’m already hoping to work at least two jobs for a bit. It would be wise to just start that project right now because it really only takes a few minutes to make a video these days… I’ve just talked myself into it. YouTube presence is clutch and exactly where I want to go. The path of happy people I’ve been following AND my long-term obsession with music videos/film have led me right here. I want to set myself up for a balanced life where I have ample time to work my job(s), make art, get enough sleep, eat healthy, and actually have a social life but Seattle doesn’t really work that way if you’re on a delivering pizza level. This job will allow me to make the money I need every month to pay my bills/debts and all the rest can go to setting myself up for the future I most want.

Last night I started working on my shelved Washington DC video again. I had to put it down for a while because DC’s vibe left a horrible taste in my mouth and it hurt my soul to spend too much time thinking about our evil government. One of my career heroes has said that it is bad for business to talk about politics because you can alienate your potential customers but I’ve decided to completely reject that idea to be a good person. This same man also preaches kindness and finding your niche so it seems backwards for him not to openly denounce our sexual predator president and our country’s racist terrorism, especially because he and his family are immigrants and he has women he loves in his life. I won’t name him here because I’d rather have this conversation with him in real life someday and otherwise he seems a great person to have on your team who truly means well. I understand that he is trying to maximize his profits like a good businessman should but if he’s afraid to pick a side in the battle of good vs. evil, then he probably isn’t as good of a person as I hoped he was. If he truly wants to build his business the right way, he would take a stand even if it took him longer to reach his goal. Not speaking up about the wrongs in our society makes him an enabler of the established racist/sexist system and it’s sad that he’s encouraging others to keep their political beliefs to themselves to make money.

@acodd art as seen the night of his show with @leo.shallat & @claude206

I’d much rather work to educate those who are on the wrong team so they can understand that having a president who has openly admitted to grabbing women by the pussy and is a NAZI (among many other evil traits) is the worst possible thing for our country. In no way do I plan on being a political activist but I do have a couple videos on deck that Cheeto-fans will hate me for… including this DC video. I’ve vowed that the next time I see a MAGA hat, I’ll start a conversation with the person about what that means to them and try to remain calm while we talk through how they ended up wearing the symbol of a terrorist on their head and why it hurts my soul and many others to see it...  instead of just scowl at them. I want my life to be about seeking out positivity but so do all the black people that are being terrorized and murdered by police, the children and their parents being detained separately by our government, all the homeless people everywhere that fell victim to capitalism, and all the women who have been mistreated by men (including myself). I still plan to focus on making people smile and shining light on artists making the world a better place but it ALWAYS makes me smile to see people standing up to the evil in our society and we need heroes more than ever. Facing our demons head on is important for survival.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to storage unit to get sold eBay boots, work pants, etc.

7.     Finish my hire packet for tomorrow’s orientation

8.     Get Direct Deposit form ready from BECU to bring to tomorrow’s orientation

9.     Reprove I’m broke w/ tax return info I find in storage unit so I can pay low payments on my student loans for another year.

10.  Post 1 video on YouTube & promote

11.  Mail boots I sold on eBay

12.  Apply for dog walker jobs

13.  Take at least one new @TheRingOfDOOM photo, his new body has yet to be photographed outside.

SONG OF THE DAY

Florence + The Machine “Dog Days Are Over” 2009   I have tons of respect for Florence, her Machine, and her art but I hated seeing corporate advertisements for her latest album wheatpasted all over New York. This song remains beautiful no matter how I feel about corporate Street Art.

Day 51 of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 51

When it is truly time for me to quit caffeine my body doesn’t make me suffer from withdrawals. Still no headaches and it’s my third day without coffee! I remain with out a concrete plan but now that I am staying in the US for a while I can start selling stuff on the internet again. Because I have such odd tastes, I have gone into debt with my eBay venture so far but I can turn it around if I make it a priority. Most of my belongings are only valuable to me but it’s worth a shot. I’ll also be taking my art back out of my storage unit and attempting to sell it again. It would be wise if I also did some work on my Hip Hop Crossword Puzzle Book so it can be closer to being something I can actually release into the world; Hip Hop publications may be interested in it if I can present it the right way.

Today my plan is to finish applying for a freelance writing job that would have me interviewing professional photographers to get their tips on how to make iPhone photos better. This would be rad because it would help me get better at what I’m hoping to do with my life and give me a reason to reach out to some of my favorite people. I’ll also seek out more jobs I’d be able to do from the road as well as reach out to the team I worked for at Bumbershoot to find out where the hell my damn check is. I’ll also be getting a deposit back on my art studio eventually but not for a few weeks. Other than the credit cards I’m not supposed to pay for my debt relief program, I have not paid a late bill yet. But today when I checked my email I was bummed to find out that my evil corporate bank took it’s under $1000 balance $14 fee from my account leaving me in the negative. Unfortunately, so that I can pay my debt relief payment tomorrow, I’ll be taking a cash advance from my surviving credit card and putting it right back into the same bank to cover the withdrawal IF I don’t receive my Bumbershoot check. I could breathe for like two days if that check showed up today but I’d still need to figure out how to make money fast.

Still can’t relax like it is recommended for people in my shoes because how the hell are you supposed to relax when your depression has driven you this far into debt and you’re putting yourself further into debt to cover your debts. Delivering pizza in the late 90s and using my car to make money in recent years has shown me that you almost always make more money if you’re not putting miles on your own vehicle. Ideally, the jobs I find TODAY will be the kind of jobs that will allow me to work remotely so that I can set myself up for the life I want.

Even though I already knew this, it would be wise for me to stop looking at Facebook and Twitter and use them only to promote my work. For a while I had removed the Facebook app from my phone but because I didn’t have my own wifi, I ended up reinstalling it so I could save my hotspot data. For some dumb reason, I still punish myself by reading into vague comments written by people I’ve never really been friends with and feel like it is a personal attack on myself. I know I’m not the only one who does this self-destructive act but I need to knock that shit off. If it is true that people are making fun of me for writing about my depression and for not being able to achieve my dream of getting on a plane a few days ago, these people likely need help with their own problems and it would mean that I have actual haters. If I have haters, I’m doing something right. Awesome. Whether these people are making fun of me or not, it is a waste of time to even think about them for one second of the day. Fortunately, I also see the ways that people I know and don’t know seem to be helping me along my path and I’m looking forward to telling them how they got me through my dark times… once I’ve figured out a way to move through them. I do hope that the people who have truly helped me over the years are not misinterpreting my writing to think that I do not appreciate their efforts. Many of the people I’ve worked for in the past have gone out of their way to create opportunities for me and I hope to be a success soon so I can repay them in my own weird ways.

In the recent weeks, I’ve given up ALL of my vices. None of them are good for me AND they cost money I don’t have. Coffee is over. I haven’t OD’d on sugar for weeks. I am blessed to be in a good place with alcohol so I’ve only had 2-3 free drinks of leftover wine from my sister and brother-in-law’s fridge in the last few weeks. I’ve also not smoked any weed for five days. I have no intention of quitting smoking weed forever because it is the healthiest of all the vices and it does help to calm my overactive brain sometimes but at this time it’s not working for me; it is legal here in Washington State so I’m not breaking any laws by consuming it. When I quit smoking weed, I start remembering my dreams which is usually uncomfortable at first. Almost all of my dreams are some form of the Alaskan Hotel Employee housing I lived in for three summers in my late teens/early twenties and last night’s dream was no different. This time, however, there were new people in the dream that I didn’t realize I missed so much and/or would love to get to know better.

A few years ago, I attempted to buy a Sprinter van. Of course, I was denied because I was already in debt and still had an upside down car loan with only small paychecks coming in from my over-full-time job BUT a few months later I was offered a job driving an even nicer Sprinter van around the country. I had seen the vision of myself driving around the country with musicians in a Sprinter van and it eventually came true. I know I will get paid to go to Europe sooner than I think if I do all the things I already know must be done to make it happen. I’ve already signaled to the universe that this is what I want and got so frickin’ close. If I had gotten the Bumbershoot check earlier, I would be in Bristol right now struggling to find a way to earn money. My To Do list remains the same no matter where I am because I want to learn how to work remotely. I must start Instagramming again so I can remain on the radar of those who can help make the trip happen AND write @TheRingOfDOOM’s origin story that no one else can. I will be at Tintagel Castle in the UK next to King Arthur’s statue near Merlin’s Cave sooner than I think and it will be fucking awesome. I will be at Giant’s Causeway in Northern Ireland creating my own @TheRingOfDOOM legends after learning more about its legacy from the locals shortly after I show the world what I can do when my head is clear enough. One step at a time will get me there eventually as long as I keep on going.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Stretch at least 10 minutes (I have not been doing this)

3.     Eat three meals

4.     Finish applying for freelance writing job and apply for more

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Finish this blog

7.     Make Photoshopped Icon for September Spotify List

8.     Go to storage unit to get art to list for sale and see if I have anything else people might want to buy.

9.     Brainstorm new @TheRingOfDOOM Patreon video.

SONG OF THE DAY

Sevdaliza “Hear My Pain Heal” 2017

Day 50 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible.

Day 50

It is hard to know what to do with myself all day. Yesterday I ended up sleeping all day because I had only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before due to coffee abuse/anxiety. I know I’m supposed to be nice to myself right now but it’s hard not to feel that the nicest thing I can do for myself is to seek out ways to earn money all day. My stomach is still jacked up from not eating full meals for so long and anxiety about what I’ll make happen next. I’m on Day 2 of no coffee and because my routine is so off, I almost forgot to write this blog this morning. I lack the ability to relax and feel good about it because it feels irresponsible to do anything other than pursue money when you’re in debt. I do not want my life to be about the pursuit of money so it’s a tricky one.

I’ve been researching work to live opportunities all over the world, national park jobs with employee housing, as well as media jobs in New York. I have never had an office media job before but I would love the opportunity to impress people on a global level even if I need to purchase a whole new wardrobe with money I don’t have to do so. Moving somewhere will not change the contents of my brain but it would separate me from those who have taken advantage of my kindness in the past. I used to work seasonally (ski resorts in winter/marinas, summer camps, Alaskan hotels etc. in the summer) and I’d love to do that again if I can create the right opportunity for myself. It was a great way to learn about a new place from the locals, save money, and to meet tons of like-minded people from all over the world. It would be a completely different experience as a 40 year old but I’m willing to give it a shot. I would work almost any (legal) job anywhere in the world aside from Seattle but I still believe that my @TheRingOfDOOM idea will be the way I help the most people (myself included) once I’m able to focus my energy on it. International work visas cost more than I currently have but there are some rad opportunities out there like working at the hostel near Giant’s Causeway in Northern Ireland, working for a European festival company that runs events like the Running Of The Bulls and Oktoberfest, infinite freelance travel writing jobs, and tons of opportunities I have yet to research.

I really don’t know what direction to take this blog anymore and I’ve definitely thought about retiring it but then there would be zero chance to help others… still trying to help others even when I’m not sure how to help myself. My creativity is squashed by long-term struggle mode at this time but I must find a way to turn this broken heart into art or something useful. I still want to be a travel blogger but I can’t afford to travel and I have yet to find a way to monetize the music blog I started in 2009 or this website so I have a long ways to go (pun 100% intended). I’d still love to go back on tour with more good-hearted musicians if the pay was a living wage. This workaholic is in serious need of a mentor. I still believe all the things I want to do are possible but I’ll need to be more patient to make them happen in the best way. 

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water +

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Apply for at least three jobs in other states

5.     More research on how to use my creativity to make a living

6.     Finish this blog.

SONG OF THE DAY

Sevdaliza – “Soul Syncable” 2018

Day 49 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 49

Still here attempting to suppress the constant state of panic about my financial situation and how to best handle my multi-tiered trauma extravaganza but I’ve already taken some steps toward addressing the problems. The fact that I’m still waiting on a direly needed paycheck does not help the matter at all but I will get through it. I am waiting to hear back about my eligibility on low-income therapy sessions (even though my previous attempts led to more trauma; fall down 1000 times… get up 1001 times) and I’ve resolved to quit caffeine again. [Update: the widespread Bezosian Rent Warfare and our evil government have caused so many Seattleites to reach out for assistance that it would be 2-3 months before I could have my first appointment at this place.] My super-money-saving $5.99 can of coffee still lives on but I must break up with it because it won’t do a thing for the constant pounding in my chest. We’re broken up, it’s over; I will no longer be caffeine’s bitch. I’m going to start dating Sleepytime Tea for a while instead in hopes it will chill me the fuck out.

@TheRingOfDOOM’s newest body cooking in my toaster oven.

It feels irresponsible to not spend my whole day seeking out ways to earn large chunks of money but my family has advised me to try to focus on drinking enough water, eating healthy food, and resting instead. I would go back to sleep right now (only two hours of sleep because my mind is sprinting in circles) but because I am so broke at this exact moment I must go out into the world to pull $40 out of one bank’s ATM to put it directly in another so I can pay the bills due tomorrow. There are millions of people in my same situation and it helps to remember that I am luckier than most because I can stay with family for a short time when I need it most… like right now. I still have a really expensive car I can sleep in but it won’t come to that. I’ve already tried living in my car and it is terrible unless I can stay in the mountains all day and have enough food. That said, living in my car only serves to compound my problems, does nothing to solve them, and renders me useless when attempting to deal with the rest of the world. I’m also a white lady whose demons are mostly internal and I am extremely fortunate I don’t have centuries of racist assholes terrorizing myself and others that look similar to me… except of course for the white men in suits that terrorize us all and the men that have been taking advantage of women since forever. I could not be more grateful for what I do have but that doesn’t make the pain go away or manage any of the issues.

I know that I’ll still be able to achieve my I’mPossible dream of taking @TheRingOfDOOM back to Europe and that it will be even better because I will have taken all the steps needed to make it happen in the best way. Attempting to leap too far in a single bound when I am broken is setting myself up for failure and if I’m truly trying to be kind to myself, I will take the time to do things right. My favorite thing I did yesterday was say no to an offer of day-drinking and being high all day (fortunately, not hard at all for me at all) and instead reach out to two (so many more to go) of the organizations I’ve been putting off for too long and eat the healthiest meal I’ve had since I was in New York early-July. I understand that these people may not ever respond but it was a great step either way. I’m getting better at communicating my vision for @TheRingOfDOOM but that is 100% subjective. I have yet to figure out how to announce on his Instagram that we did not wake up in Bristol today as planned but there are infinite hilarious/entertaining ways to do that.

My list of goals for the day will be shorter so that I can easily accomplish them all and feel like a winner.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. Water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Finish this blog post

4.     Take a nap

5.     Go move $40 from one bank’s ATM to another so I can cover the bills due tomorrow leaving me with approximately $12.

6.     Hope my paycheck shows up.

SONG OF THE DAY

Mac DeMarco – “Chamber Of Reflection” 2014  

Day 48 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 48

Words cannot describe how much I would have loved to get on a plane in a few hours. Every plan for my whole life centered around making this trip happen today; had I known I wouldn’t be able to pull it off, I may not have started this blog and shared myself crashing into this wall of childhood trauma. I can only hope that by continuing to be honest with myself and the few people that do read this, I’ll be able to inspire them to do things the right way as well. I am still 100% intent on Achieving The I’mPossible but I have a lifetime of unfinished internal work that needs to be done before I can even get close to my infinite potential. There are so many reasons why I did not go… the most blatant being that I only have $50 to my name right now and a combined total of approximately $40,000 in debt. I know what needed to be done to make it happen but I did not do it because I was scared to reach out. Due to my trust issues and my long history of working for people who have not compensated me fairly (cause and effect?), I’m resistant to reach out to anyone when I need something. When any of us need money as much as most of us do, we all settle for less than we deserve. This is the way the fixed system is supposed to work. I have definitely worked for some great people with beautiful intentions over the last few years but none of them were able to pay me a living wage; I still hold those people close to my heart even if the feeling is not mutual. I could not be more sure that creating opportunities for artists all over the world to break out of struggle mode is the best possible plan for my life. Unfortunately, I have been operating in struggle mode myself for so long that the courage I must find to make it happen is buried under decades of unaddressed issues.

One of my favorite @TheRingOfDOOM photos.

Had I already received my Bumbershoot check, I might be getting on the plane today. I’d still be broke but I’d be in the place I most want to be and be surrounded by interesting people and have tons of new things to photograph. I will never know if my epic plan would have worked because it never truly began. My delusional optimism led me to believe that I’d be creating such good content that someone would offer me an advance on a photo book deal, a travel show, or a much needed opportunity to learn; I did not make this content because I was too lost in my own head to do it. I have resolved to address my childhood traumas and figure out how to live a healthy life but at this exact moment I am a 40 year old single woman, buried in debt, with only $50 that has already been spoken for, and a fractured heart. I would be homeless right now if my family wasn’t offering me a place to sleep. I weeped my way through painting the art studio I’ve been squatting in for ten months (that made me even more depressed instead of saving me money) last night and talked to my Dad for the first time in too long. He pointed out I was not being kind to myself by trying to assemble my best life in such a short amount of time and that attempting to tackle buried childhood traumas in the days before I leave on a two-month solo I’mPossible mission is a terrible idea. If I’m not being kind to myself, no one else will either. I cannot save the world by sharing messages of love with an underground Hip Hop soundtrack if I can’t figure out how to make enough money to eat three meals a day.

The same three people who inspired me to think this big have all mentioned that getting our heads right must be the first step in any situation. Because I have a tendency to see what I want to see OR because so many of us are struggling with the same issues, it often feels like they’re addressing me directly in their podcasts, videos, and social media posts. I’ve been studying these three people for at least two years (or more in one case) so I know how to tackle creating the career I want but I still have no idea how to tackle the root of all my failures that is preventing me from suiting up for the game of life. Knowing the problem does not solve it but it is the first step. Shoutout to Chase Jarvis, Tim Ferriss, and Gary Vaynerchuk for all the inspiration and guidance. I have so much love for these people even though we’ve never met and I would leap towards a mentorship or job with them or any other person whose intention is to help their employees live their best lives.

I truly want my life to be a good story. Fortunately, the best stories have a ton of conflict and obstacles for the main character to learn from. Yes, going to Bristol to drink the water and have a transformation is a fucking awesome story but I’m not in a position to tell it at this time. I created an entire universe for a character I made out of clay and I will tell the story when the time is right. I’ll continue to develop the legacy of @TheRingOfDOOM on Instagram and my website (and many other ways) but this exact miniseries will have to wait. The photo-graphic novel WILL be amazing once I get the clarity but at this time I am not in a position to work solely on my creative ventures even though it is all I see for my future. The story of a woman who is tackling her issues head on so she can live her best life is relatable to at least half of the world and that is currently my story. I wanted to seek out messages of love all over the world because I have not truly found the love of self I need to survive this crazy world. The Messages Of Love photo book WILL be something that will bring joy to people’s lives but I cannot make it happen on $50 total when my bills every month are $1200 (without paying any rent).

I was hoping to make epic shit happen in Bristol TOMORROW but instead I will make epic shit happen in my own head every day until I’ve reached the light. Because my goal is to figure out how to work remotely and to be creative, I can literally do this from anywhere in the world WHEN I’m able to truly begin. I wanted to set myself up for my best life in the $295 art studio I just moved out of but the effects of living somewhere I wasn’t supposed with no kitchen or shower made me too depressed to figure out how to make enough money to eat. I prioritized paying my bills over all else and I still ended up starting a debt relief program. In the last few weeks, I wanted to save all my money for bills so I ended up being too hungry to go on the long photography walks I love so much and without the gas money to drive anywhere. One cannot live on nuts, cheese, and Clif Bars if they hope to be clear-headed and healthy enough to walk 10 miles a day.

I do not know what will happen next but I’ll continue to write anyway because I can still inspire people to live their best life even if I’m not at Giant’s Causeway filming an episode of my travel miniseries on my phone. The people we love most on this planet have been brave enough to share their troubles and souls with us. We are all divided if we are stuck in our own head and we must work together to find our common ground if we’re to overthrow the demons in our own heads and in our government. They want us to be poor and needy so we’ll accept the meager wages being offered to us and do as we’re told but I cannot do that anymore. I allowed myself to remain broken and I never tried to fix me until now. I have no idea how to do it but as with most things, hard work, patience, reaching out, and watching how-to-videos on YouTube will help us learn what we need to learn. I WILL find a way to earn a sustainable income in a way that I’m not morally opposed to soon by working smarter AND harder and share it with you as it’s happening.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     10 Minute Stretch

3.     Go For A Walk

4.     Blog Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also)

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.    Hang out with a friend and talk about the realest shit.

SONG OF THE DAY

Air – “Universal Traveler” 2004  I’ll be traveling through the universes of my brain until further notice.

Day 47 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 47

This morning was a tough one because I knew I’d have to tell whoever was reading this that I did not complete either of my big goals for the day. I sat outside BECU and fielded emails, texts, and calls from strangers until it became obvious that no one was coming. By this time, I was ridiculously hungry, defeated, and heartbroken at the realization that I do not have the skills to do this alone. It’s 100% true that I do not know how to sell a car to a stranger because I don’t know all the ways they could take advantage of my kindness and inexperience. Purchasing the car was not a solo mission, owning the car should never have been a solo mission, and releasing the car is unfortunately no different. My youngest sister helped me to realize that I needed to remove the blockages in my way as soon as possible so instead of painting my studio yesterday afternoon, I came back to my sister and brother-in-law’s house and dug a much-needed metaphorical shovel into my head. I learned that I still feel the sharp pain of those who I wronged me in the past and that I’ve stunted my growth severely by not tackling this sooner.

The saddest part of my new fear of a Craigslist predator AND the recent theft of my credit card information is that it became obvious that I must look for the worst in people and be wary of ways I can be taken advantage of… the exact opposite of my default. It is easy for me to seek out the best in people and truly feel sorry for those who have chosen a path that requires them to seek out the unsavory parts of life. I fear they may look for the worst within themselves also and that is a terrible way to live life. For most of my own life, I’ve unknowingly been dealing with the residual shame issues from my childhood trauma. When I’m around those whose sole purpose in life is to look for the worst in people, they cause me to project exactly what I believe they are looking for… even when its not there. When combined with my tendency to retreat into my own head, this has resulted in me being misunderstood by most. It will take me awhile to know exactly how to deal with my own personal traumas but I recognize the issue and am taking steps towards managing it.

It is obvious to anyone paying attention (myself included) that all of my troubles are rooted in my lack of self worth. I could not be more aware that I am more privileged than billions of other humans and I am ashamed that I have not yet learned how to wrangle it into something that can help others or keep myself afloat. I recognize that the roots of this are not my fault but it is my fault that I have not tackled them earlier. Because I have been afraid to do the things at the top of my list for years, my growth was stunted and I was not able to take advantage of opportunities right in front of my face. I wholeheartedly believe that all the time I spent alone over the last six years was worth every penny I invested in it. Even though the solitude has become toxic, it enabled me to recognize exactly what I want to do with my life and to recognize the blockades I placed in my own way. I understand that what I aim to do makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable… and that is okay. I am beginning a venture that will change a lot of lives for the better in a way that I have yet to be able to communicate. I am starting this adventure from a the bottom of the hole I dug for myself by not reaching for the vines of technology and actual humans that surround me sooner.

It is true that I allowed myself to be led around by others in the past, so much so that I never even considered what my passions were until after I got divorced six years ago. It is true that I did not stand up for myself and ask for more money when I needed it the most because I felt so lucky to be there… until I didn’t. It is true that I allowed an evil music corporation to break my heart, drive me into depression, and to live a life where most of my belongings are in storage for almost two years. I found out recently that AEG is actually so terrible that if I submit my paystubs, I will get a check for the amount of money they officially screwed me out of via tax fraud. These are the people I trusted with my career and when I was working almost every single day, I still never had enough to pay for the car I needed to do the job. Because I had the audacity to try to live alone AND own the car I used for work, I had to move out of my apartment because Bezosian Rent Warfare and overachieving for AEG drove me severely into debt. I wanted to please them so badly that I never asked for the money they owed me on multiple occasions and still have not because I only want to look forward. This cemented the fact that I MUST figure out a way for myself and the artists I love to work around the evil predators who have us by the wallets. Example… I saved hundreds of dollars so far by purchasing a big can of Kroger coffee. Yes it feels good to save money but to do so I voted with my wallet for an evil corporation and did not support any of the local coffee roasters doing business the right way; plus I drank terrible coffee every day and ingested whatever poisons they put on the coffee plants.

For some reason, writing this paragraph has me shook because it has the power to literally remove the largest block I’ve put in front of me. I remain on my mission to change the world in the best way with @TheRingOfDOOM because this is the direct route out of the darkness I’ve been stuck in. I remain confident that this Europe trip will help me to create opportunities for myself and others to break out of the struggle mode that has prevented us from reaching our greatest potential. I remain confident that this trip will go so well that I will learn how to create income while traveling in the next week. I am no longer confident that tackling all of life’s challenges alone is a good idea. I have seen the light through the darkness and am stepping towards it every day but it is time to reach for those around me who do care enough to help. That’s it. That’s the thing that has been stopping me from accomplishing my dreams and preventing me from creating relationships with the people I admire the most. Yes, I SHOULD have recognized this years ago but I didn’t. I recognize it now and I MUST use this knowledge to grow into the person I can be. I SHOULD keep this to myself so that I can better deflect bad energy but I MUST find my strength and inspire others to reach out of the darkness as well. I MUST crack off the protective shell caging me into my comfort zone so I don’t remain inside it forever. Right now this shell is a 2012 Subaru Outback that has caused me to pursue money instead of seek out love; I need help cracking the shell.

I could probably write about this all day long but I’ve already been writing for over two hours. It is time for me to tie up all the loose ends of Seattle so I can depart tomorrow afternoon and seek out guidance from those who do want to help. For myself and all of those who believe their dreams are I’mPossible, I will use this momentum to carry me forward. It is the only option. 

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     10 Minute Stretch

3.     Go For A Walk

4.     Blog Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also) - LISBON

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.   Start a load of laundry, eat, shower.

7.   Get supplies to paint my art studio.

8.   Paint the studio while absorbing the life lessons of those who have traveled this path already.

9.    Reach out for back up about selling my car.

10.   Pack my suitcase with clean clothes and run directly towards the light.

SONG OF THE DAY

Blockhead “The Music Scene” 2009  Fall down 1000 times, get up 1001 times.