Day 61 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 61

I can’t be the only one that has looked up “how to be a healthy grownup.” The Google results do not give me the answers I am looking for. If they did teach us this in school, I buried it under a few decades of ignoring my needs to be a subservient employee/person. What I used to call strategic dehydration so I could work without having to take bathroom breaks and impress my bosses, I now see was prioritizing other’s needs before my own and was self-destructive. A vague memory of a meditation lesson in a junior high portable just emerged but we mostly giggled through it because someone farted or something. I could really use a definitive list of all the things I need to do/eat to be healthy but only I can make that list. I guess it is obvious when I really think about it but putting it into action daily is tricky.  I’ve accomplished the most when I’m on my Mary Poppins, meaning when I turn my to do list into a game. It would be wise if I made a gameboard of how to be a healthy adult sooner than later. I would put stuff on it like vitamins, drinking water, stretching, eating vegetables, brushing/flossing, learning how to relax, etc. My huge 90 minute work block bulletin board (with 421 completed work blocks and only eleven-ish completed 10 minute stretches) remains intact in my storage unit with the rest of my art/life/nostalgia supplies… maybe it’s time for a new travel-size bulletin board as I’m still living out of a suitcase and small backpack. I’m still amazed by the art I made during my blind pursuit of my own creativity but I need to reprioritize my whole shit. We can’t accomplish any of our dreams at all if we’re dehydrated, malnutritioned, and tied in knots (emotionally/physically). 

Last night I dreamed that one of my favorite visual artists was my friend and when I woke up I was bummed that I haven’t even met him yet. He’s been brave enough to share his journey toward sobriety with the world and it made me love him even more. I know I’ll meet him eventually and I hope we get to have some real conversations. Even though I’ve literally given last minute advice to tons of superfans (and have gotten many jobs because I’m so good at being around/helping/driving famous people) about how to be cool when they meet their heroes, I’m still terrible at meeting my own unless we get to work together. The first great example of this is when I met Peanut Butter Wolf at a festival. A photo of him I made at the release of the Stones Throw documentary, Our Vinyl Weighs A Ton, was my phone wallpaper for years because I was working toward being the Peanut Butter Wolf of Seattle in my own weird way. I drove solo all the way to LA from Seattle to go the event and didn’t talk to him; even though he was less than three feet away from me. I still have the same goal to help artists be their best selves but fortunately I’ve gotten even weirder and have expanded my mission to include the entire universe. When I met him, all I could say was, “will you take a picture with my friend” and handed him @TheRingOfDOOM like a dumbass. The time I met Dan The Automator, one of my all-time favorite producers, I may have listed off too many of his projects that I loved and I’m pretty sure I weirded him out. At least he knows I guess? Here’s hoping when I eventually meet Prince Paul, Danger Mouse, Alchemist, and Evidence I’m able to play it a little bit cooler. Ideally, I’ll get a chance to work with these artists so that I can show them I’m not messin around and that I’d be the best possible addition to their team.

I want to write about all the political bullshit but it is still too painful and hits too close to home. Most of the men I have been mistreated by likely do not even realize the damage they have done or that they were doing anything wrong. I have received zero ill treatment (of a sexual harassment nature) from men while on the job in the music industry but I am confident that I have not gotten jobs because I am a woman. I don’t want to go into detail on the specific jobs because my heart remains broken and they may come around eventually. The Underground Hip Hop world is a total sausage fest and while I do know some totally bad ass women in the community, most of the key players I once hoped to work with and learn from are men. To anyone out there who thinks I’m in this to date rappers… if that was my goal, I would not have been single for the last six years and go fuck yourself.

It’s time to put a bow on this so I can finish up Day 2 of #100DaysOfTheRingOfDOOMvideos and head to work. My first payday is tomorrow and it could not have come any sooner. Soon I’ll be able to breathe!

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to work and kick ass

7.     Work on next @TheRingOfDOOM video

8.     Start November playlist

SONG OF THE DAY

Massive Attack “Paradise Circus” 2010 If you like this song as much as I do, you’ll love the remix by Gui Borrato.

Day 39 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 39

As the day of my departure gets closer, I’m getting even more confident it will all work out. It must. Being on this side of the art community makes me realize why people appreciated me so much when I was in a direct position to create opportunities for them in the music industry. It surprised me that people were shocked that I responded to their emails but now I see why. So many people don’t even reply when you reach out directly even when it is a good business practice to do so. Artists appreciate honest feedback even if it is letting them know they’re not yet on the level they need to be. I know I’ll forgive those who have yet to respond like I have forgiven those who did not tip me but when faced between choosing to shine light on people who have helped create opportunities for me and those who haven’t, the choice will be easy. Seattle is really damn small and rarely does being Seattle-famous add up to anything but I am actively working on changing that… which is why I know I will succeed.

It can be tricky to not dwell on the reasons one believes they are not succeeding. Every second spent thinking about who/what we believe is holding us back is a second not spent thinking about how to achieve our goals. I have not succeeded yet because I have not been able to communicate my ideas to the right people even with my white privilege working for me. It is because I am simultaneously trying to hide and change the world at the same time that my progress seems to have stalled out (not true, progressing every day). It is also because I have been afraid to put myself back in a position in which people reach out on a daily basis for help that my calls to the world are still ringing. Only by fine-tuning the messages I want the world will receive will I get closer to achieving my goals. My goal is to make the world a better place by highlighting the artists intent on creating art that unites us and gives us a reason to smile on a global level… including myself.

Yesterday’s adventure to the woods was exactly what I needed but did very little to suppress my desire to wander. I often forget that before I bound myself to another that I was a very happy seasonal worker. I worked at ski resorts in the winter and spent my summers employed at resorts in Alaska and summer camps/marinas in Lake Tahoe. From the moment I first went to Alaska at the age of eighteen, I knew that I was not meant to sit at a desk and that I would seek out adventures until my last days on this Earth. The music scenes are not that crackin’ in these remote locations so that can either be seen as an opportunity or a barrier depending on one’s attitude. Depending on what opportunities I create for myself while in Europe, I will most likely return to the mountains after/if I head back to the states. Wandering around the Alpental ski resort yesterday brought back tons of great memories from my era as a snowboard instructor and I finally recalled that the only reason I left was because my ex wanted to. 

’ve spent at least six hours over the last few days doing things that must be done but that aren’t that fun… like talking with the people at Americor about my debt relief program (even though everyone I’ve spoken with is a truly awesome human), freeing up space on my computer because it was like nah, and attempting to organize my photos and videos. Technical difficulties have held me back from so many things (#1 example is making music) and at this very moment, I’m successfully moving videos from my newish phone to my laptop for the first time. Good things happen when you try.

Over the next week I will finish my Patreon video and send it out into the world. I will sum up my plans to change the universe in under two minutes and motivate people to rally behind me because I must. I want to work my ass off for people who acknowledge my efforts and are classy enough to compensate me for all that I bring to the table. That person could be me if I make it so but I know that with the right team, this project could be much bigger than myself and @TheRingOfDOOM and the sooner I figure out how to draw that team to me, the better.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     10 Minute Stretch

3.     Go For A Walk

4.     Blog Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also) - LISBON

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Further research on successful Patreon videos and storyboarding my own.

7.     Post a video on YouTube because I need practice!!!

SONG OF THE DAY

Mac Miller feat. Anderson.Paak – “Dang” 2016  I’ve had a soft spot for Mac Miller in my heart since the day I drove him and Ariana around in my Subaru a few years back (shortly after this song came out). My favorite thing about our short time together is that he was convinced we had met before; so much so that he stayed in the car for over a minute after his friends got out to investigate where we could have met. Sadly, I could not remember if we had because at that time in my career, I was driving so many artists around that I did not recall. We’ve lost some of our greatest heroes because we could not see that they needed help through our admiration and awe even when they were telling us with their art. Sending all my love to those who feel the pain of this loss, love you Mac. 

Day 23 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 23

I have yet to work a full week at my new 9-5 but today is my first “Saturday” in years. While there is a lot to learn, my new job is very low stress and the kind of job you can release after clocking out for the day; an ideal situation for someone working toward a larger goal. It does feel good to speak with humans on a regular basis again but I can't help but wonder if I’ve given up or have gifted myself a more reasonable timeline. The last two days I worked 12 hours and sadly only completed four 90 minute work blocks; factoring in eight hours of sleep each night and transit time, I wasted at least 12 hours doing nothing. It is embarrassing to not complete my goals and write about it but I still just watched movies when I got back to my spot after work last night. Maybe I needed to relax but when I have so far to go to become a financially stable adult, relaxing feels irresponsible.

Shortly before the purple piece at the top was accidentally resined to the table. 

For the last five years since I quit Whole Foods, I have never been sure if I’d be able to pay my bills every month. As of two days ago, I now know I’ll be able to make those payments if I just keep going to work every day and remain frugal. That said, at this rate I won’t be able to afford dental work for at least a year (way too long when fillings came out months ago) and I still wouldn’t be able to pay for a real place to live (Bezosian Rent Warfare). Starting this new job clouded over my plans for the next few months and I must fine tune my trajectory if I hope to accomplish anything. In the past, I would have gone on a spacecruise to the ocean to mull over my next moves but I’d have to spend money I don’t have to make it happen. Thus lies the curse of the upside down car loan; can’t afford to get rid of the car and can’t afford to drive it.

Since I’m not working today, I hope to accomplish the goals I did not complete the last few days and to make some new art. I must strive to remember every day how good it feels to cross an item off my To Do list, even if it’s something so ridiculous as film scenes of your cardboard box movie at the foot of Bezos’ Balls (check!). Trying to decide if I should get up early to write my blog before work or will myself to do it every day when I get back…

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     10 Minute Stretch

3.     Go For A Walk

4.     Two Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also) – 2-3 blocks

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Collage work block

7.      Spotify work block

8.     Finalize list of outdoor shots for TROD video and gather/create props

SONG OF THE DAY

U2 – “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” 1987  I would never call myself a U2 fan but some of their older music still pulls me in. In addition to creating a beautiful song, filming this video on the streets of Vegas made thousands of people smile. I hope to be able to make the kind of art that can affect people the way this song/video affects me and I’ll never get there if I don’t create art on a daily basis. Knowing that the world needs creators more than they need cogs in a fixed machine keeps me on my path when I feel like giving up.