Day 51
When it is truly time for me to quit caffeine my body doesn’t make me suffer from withdrawals. Still no headaches and it’s my third day without coffee! I remain with out a concrete plan but now that I am staying in the US for a while I can start selling stuff on the internet again. Because I have such odd tastes, I have gone into debt with my eBay venture so far but I can turn it around if I make it a priority. Most of my belongings are only valuable to me but it’s worth a shot. I’ll also be taking my art back out of my storage unit and attempting to sell it again. It would be wise if I also did some work on my Hip Hop Crossword Puzzle Book so it can be closer to being something I can actually release into the world; Hip Hop publications may be interested in it if I can present it the right way.
Today my plan is to finish applying for a freelance writing job that would have me interviewing professional photographers to get their tips on how to make iPhone photos better. This would be rad because it would help me get better at what I’m hoping to do with my life and give me a reason to reach out to some of my favorite people. I’ll also seek out more jobs I’d be able to do from the road as well as reach out to the team I worked for at Bumbershoot to find out where the hell my damn check is. I’ll also be getting a deposit back on my art studio eventually but not for a few weeks. Other than the credit cards I’m not supposed to pay for my debt relief program, I have not paid a late bill yet. But today when I checked my email I was bummed to find out that my evil corporate bank took it’s under $1000 balance $14 fee from my account leaving me in the negative. Unfortunately, so that I can pay my debt relief payment tomorrow, I’ll be taking a cash advance from my surviving credit card and putting it right back into the same bank to cover the withdrawal IF I don’t receive my Bumbershoot check. I could breathe for like two days if that check showed up today but I’d still need to figure out how to make money fast.
Still can’t relax like it is recommended for people in my shoes because how the hell are you supposed to relax when your depression has driven you this far into debt and you’re putting yourself further into debt to cover your debts. Delivering pizza in the late 90s and using my car to make money in recent years has shown me that you almost always make more money if you’re not putting miles on your own vehicle. Ideally, the jobs I find TODAY will be the kind of jobs that will allow me to work remotely so that I can set myself up for the life I want.
Even though I already knew this, it would be wise for me to stop looking at Facebook and Twitter and use them only to promote my work. For a while I had removed the Facebook app from my phone but because I didn’t have my own wifi, I ended up reinstalling it so I could save my hotspot data. For some dumb reason, I still punish myself by reading into vague comments written by people I’ve never really been friends with and feel like it is a personal attack on myself. I know I’m not the only one who does this self-destructive act but I need to knock that shit off. If it is true that people are making fun of me for writing about my depression and for not being able to achieve my dream of getting on a plane a few days ago, these people likely need help with their own problems and it would mean that I have actual haters. If I have haters, I’m doing something right. Awesome. Whether these people are making fun of me or not, it is a waste of time to even think about them for one second of the day. Fortunately, I also see the ways that people I know and don’t know seem to be helping me along my path and I’m looking forward to telling them how they got me through my dark times… once I’ve figured out a way to move through them. I do hope that the people who have truly helped me over the years are not misinterpreting my writing to think that I do not appreciate their efforts. Many of the people I’ve worked for in the past have gone out of their way to create opportunities for me and I hope to be a success soon so I can repay them in my own weird ways.
In the recent weeks, I’ve given up ALL of my vices. None of them are good for me AND they cost money I don’t have. Coffee is over. I haven’t OD’d on sugar for weeks. I am blessed to be in a good place with alcohol so I’ve only had 2-3 free drinks of leftover wine from my sister and brother-in-law’s fridge in the last few weeks. I’ve also not smoked any weed for five days. I have no intention of quitting smoking weed forever because it is the healthiest of all the vices and it does help to calm my overactive brain sometimes but at this time it’s not working for me; it is legal here in Washington State so I’m not breaking any laws by consuming it. When I quit smoking weed, I start remembering my dreams which is usually uncomfortable at first. Almost all of my dreams are some form of the Alaskan Hotel Employee housing I lived in for three summers in my late teens/early twenties and last night’s dream was no different. This time, however, there were new people in the dream that I didn’t realize I missed so much and/or would love to get to know better.
A few years ago, I attempted to buy a Sprinter van. Of course, I was denied because I was already in debt and still had an upside down car loan with only small paychecks coming in from my over-full-time job BUT a few months later I was offered a job driving an even nicer Sprinter van around the country. I had seen the vision of myself driving around the country with musicians in a Sprinter van and it eventually came true. I know I will get paid to go to Europe sooner than I think if I do all the things I already know must be done to make it happen. I’ve already signaled to the universe that this is what I want and got so frickin’ close. If I had gotten the Bumbershoot check earlier, I would be in Bristol right now struggling to find a way to earn money. My To Do list remains the same no matter where I am because I want to learn how to work remotely. I must start Instagramming again so I can remain on the radar of those who can help make the trip happen AND write @TheRingOfDOOM’s origin story that no one else can. I will be at Tintagel Castle in the UK next to King Arthur’s statue near Merlin’s Cave sooner than I think and it will be fucking awesome. I will be at Giant’s Causeway in Northern Ireland creating my own @TheRingOfDOOM legends after learning more about its legacy from the locals shortly after I show the world what I can do when my head is clear enough. One step at a time will get me there eventually as long as I keep on going.
TODAY’S GOALS
1. Drink 64 oz. water
2. Stretch at least 10 minutes (I have not been doing this)
3. Eat three meals
4. Finish applying for freelance writing job and apply for more
5. 2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool
6. Finish this blog
7. Make Photoshopped Icon for September Spotify List
8. Go to storage unit to get art to list for sale and see if I have anything else people might want to buy.
9. Brainstorm new @TheRingOfDOOM Patreon video.
SONG OF THE DAY
Sevdaliza “Hear My Pain Heal” 2017