Last year when I began my blog, The Delusional Optimist’s Guide To Achieving The I’mPossible, I felt the only quick way out of my five figure pit of debt was to make something truly epic happen. That remains true which is why I am still in debt a year later. Had I been at the top of my game, it may have been possible to simply swing from one adventure to the next and find money on the way but I was operating in survival mode and was unable to make the trip (or life) happen. Instead, when it came time to leave for my three month trip to Europe, I had only $50 and was a few weeks from developing pneumonia due to substituting coffee for food to save money (anxiety sandwich). Today I am still in five figure debt but since I started The Long Game of repayment last year, I’ve paid off almost $10K in combined credit card and car debt, happily live alone in a 164 square foot apartment, and recently purchased another ticket to London for May 2020.
Took this MF DALÍ collage for a walk.
It is true that squatting in my $300/month art studio for nine months had allowed me the perceived financial freedom to go on tours with rappers and follow my internal compass to NY and LA but ultimately, the extreme highs and lows of coming home from a rap tour to a place I wasn’t supposed to sleep was rough on my soul (that said, I would do it all again in an instant). On the plus side, my damaged soul helped me to step my art up immensely during the time I lived in the 100 square foot art studio. I will forever be grateful for the art journey but am well aware that I was unable to make the most of the opportunities I encountered while living there and I’m still in the process of letting that go.
Finally cut up this checkered floor I found in an 80’s photography magazine.
For the nine months I lived there, I didn’t really reach out to anyone to network new music opportunities and was making most of my money working a super part-time catering job because I wanted to be able to go on last minute tours when asked. ALL of my attempts to make money flipping stuff on eBay at this time were a fail because my tastes are so obscure that no one wanted the weird stuff I had acquired… example, the eight headed mink stole I recently threw away because I was afraid to open the bag and look at it after it had been in storage for a year. On the plus side, I did make some truly weird TheRingOfDOOM videos with Eddie The Eight Headed Mink Snake before I threw him out and even made $35 profit off of a box of human teeth I found at a Goodwill Outlet. Even though I was in dire straits financially, I still paid all my bills on time until the debt relief program advised me to do otherwise. My credit remains intact even though I was not.
Tried to make this MF DALÍ collage move with stop motion but technical difficulties halted me in my tracks.
I had initially thought that the roots of my financial despair were my ridiculously expensive car, capitalism, and overextending myself so that I could live alone. In hindsight, I now know that the real roots of ALL my despair are that I had yet to tackle my own traumas. It is true that the initial cause of my childhood trauma is not my fault but neglecting to investigate how the shame affected my life for so long is on me. After only a year of extracting lessons and examining my own behavior under my overthinking microscope, I’m already infinitely better at standing up for myself, recognizing when I’m being disrespected, and walking away.
Having once miserably settled for a life that other people thought I should live, I’m unwilling to settle ever again. One of the most surprising things about working toward one’s goals is realizing how many people are threatened by the thought of you succeeding. When you aspire to go beyond what they’ve settled for, it makes them uncomfortable and it comes out in weird ways. I once had a guy tell me that my ambition is off-putting to men and that it was likely why I was single. This is laughable for so many reasons but mostly because it is true. I’ve yet to have a relationship in which my partner does not try to discourage me from my living my best life. Being single for the bulk of seven years has helped me to shed most of the layers of bullshit the weak men of my past have burdened me with and to actually have the clarity to discover what my best life is. Now that I know what I want to do with my life, I’m avoiding real human connection so I can focus on me for the first time… I will find a balance eventually.
My latest non MF DALÍ collage.
Now that I’ve found financial stability (still in debt but the end is in sight) and am emerging from survival mode, I believe that a delusional optimist makes a better story than it does a life and I’ve activated the patience required to accomplish something huge. I’m still happy that I documented my journey because I hope it can help others to tackle what is holding them back and move forward. Working in the music industry was one of the most rewarding experiences of my entire life and I do hope to work with musicians ‘til the end of my days but stepping away from the gig economy into the glamorous world of pizza delivery saved my life. Now instead of working 5-7 different part time gigs and coming up short every month, I’m able to make a living (and a savings account) at one job working less than 40 hours a week at a locally owned company that respects their employees. My work day consists of consuming art podcasts, audiobooks, and music in my own little mobile universe while driving around Seattle looking for more places to photograph. Working with younger people who do not yet feel trapped by the lives they’ve created for themselves is magical; they are not uncomfortable by the thought of me succeeding and encourage me every step of the way. I truly love seeing my stickers on their skateboards, water bottles, guitars, printers etc. It’s an ideal scenario in which I’d still be able to go on tour and have a job to come back to when the right offer presents itself. I could not be more grateful for this job and the opportunity to focus on my creative projects.
Financial stability and health are step one; neither are a destination one can reach but if one never starts the journey, they’ll never even get close. Step two is now to maximize the potential of every day by utilizing my time as efficiently as possible. I’m not yet comfortable immortalizing my life goals on the internet because they are so lofty and I’m not yet working hard enough to make them happen. As many have shown us in the past, the quick route to success is usually unstable, short-lived, immoral, and undesirable. The most admirable and inspiring individuals have put in some serious time to master their crafts and are in a position to say no to money coming from unsavory people/organizations. This is why I couldn’t be happier to have put myself in the position to succeed the right way. The road to success and personal fulfillment is a long game but it’s the only game worth playing.
SONG OF THE DAY
Rapsody “Cleo” (Produced by 9th Wonder) The way these two remade a classic is inspiring to say the least. Eve is already one of my favorite albums of the year and I know Rapsody is just getting going. When an artist finds a way to give art that has already made it’s mark on the world a new life, the results can be truly magical. I know I’m not the only one that felt this song pierced their soul in the best way the first time they heard it. As I’ve mentioned before, the connection between Hip Hop and collage is alive and well. Both mediums of expression provide an alternate contemporary reality for the art it is based on and helps us to see the world in a new way. I’ve only just begun cutting up Salvador Dalí’s art and I’m already stockpiling images from other legendary artists to cut up next.
DISCLAIMER: Many of my favorite people also use the phrase “The Long Game” but since I’ve been using it for decades myself, I decided to run with it.
