Day 51 of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 51

When it is truly time for me to quit caffeine my body doesn’t make me suffer from withdrawals. Still no headaches and it’s my third day without coffee! I remain with out a concrete plan but now that I am staying in the US for a while I can start selling stuff on the internet again. Because I have such odd tastes, I have gone into debt with my eBay venture so far but I can turn it around if I make it a priority. Most of my belongings are only valuable to me but it’s worth a shot. I’ll also be taking my art back out of my storage unit and attempting to sell it again. It would be wise if I also did some work on my Hip Hop Crossword Puzzle Book so it can be closer to being something I can actually release into the world; Hip Hop publications may be interested in it if I can present it the right way.

Today my plan is to finish applying for a freelance writing job that would have me interviewing professional photographers to get their tips on how to make iPhone photos better. This would be rad because it would help me get better at what I’m hoping to do with my life and give me a reason to reach out to some of my favorite people. I’ll also seek out more jobs I’d be able to do from the road as well as reach out to the team I worked for at Bumbershoot to find out where the hell my damn check is. I’ll also be getting a deposit back on my art studio eventually but not for a few weeks. Other than the credit cards I’m not supposed to pay for my debt relief program, I have not paid a late bill yet. But today when I checked my email I was bummed to find out that my evil corporate bank took it’s under $1000 balance $14 fee from my account leaving me in the negative. Unfortunately, so that I can pay my debt relief payment tomorrow, I’ll be taking a cash advance from my surviving credit card and putting it right back into the same bank to cover the withdrawal IF I don’t receive my Bumbershoot check. I could breathe for like two days if that check showed up today but I’d still need to figure out how to make money fast.

Still can’t relax like it is recommended for people in my shoes because how the hell are you supposed to relax when your depression has driven you this far into debt and you’re putting yourself further into debt to cover your debts. Delivering pizza in the late 90s and using my car to make money in recent years has shown me that you almost always make more money if you’re not putting miles on your own vehicle. Ideally, the jobs I find TODAY will be the kind of jobs that will allow me to work remotely so that I can set myself up for the life I want.

Even though I already knew this, it would be wise for me to stop looking at Facebook and Twitter and use them only to promote my work. For a while I had removed the Facebook app from my phone but because I didn’t have my own wifi, I ended up reinstalling it so I could save my hotspot data. For some dumb reason, I still punish myself by reading into vague comments written by people I’ve never really been friends with and feel like it is a personal attack on myself. I know I’m not the only one who does this self-destructive act but I need to knock that shit off. If it is true that people are making fun of me for writing about my depression and for not being able to achieve my dream of getting on a plane a few days ago, these people likely need help with their own problems and it would mean that I have actual haters. If I have haters, I’m doing something right. Awesome. Whether these people are making fun of me or not, it is a waste of time to even think about them for one second of the day. Fortunately, I also see the ways that people I know and don’t know seem to be helping me along my path and I’m looking forward to telling them how they got me through my dark times… once I’ve figured out a way to move through them. I do hope that the people who have truly helped me over the years are not misinterpreting my writing to think that I do not appreciate their efforts. Many of the people I’ve worked for in the past have gone out of their way to create opportunities for me and I hope to be a success soon so I can repay them in my own weird ways.

In the recent weeks, I’ve given up ALL of my vices. None of them are good for me AND they cost money I don’t have. Coffee is over. I haven’t OD’d on sugar for weeks. I am blessed to be in a good place with alcohol so I’ve only had 2-3 free drinks of leftover wine from my sister and brother-in-law’s fridge in the last few weeks. I’ve also not smoked any weed for five days. I have no intention of quitting smoking weed forever because it is the healthiest of all the vices and it does help to calm my overactive brain sometimes but at this time it’s not working for me; it is legal here in Washington State so I’m not breaking any laws by consuming it. When I quit smoking weed, I start remembering my dreams which is usually uncomfortable at first. Almost all of my dreams are some form of the Alaskan Hotel Employee housing I lived in for three summers in my late teens/early twenties and last night’s dream was no different. This time, however, there were new people in the dream that I didn’t realize I missed so much and/or would love to get to know better.

A few years ago, I attempted to buy a Sprinter van. Of course, I was denied because I was already in debt and still had an upside down car loan with only small paychecks coming in from my over-full-time job BUT a few months later I was offered a job driving an even nicer Sprinter van around the country. I had seen the vision of myself driving around the country with musicians in a Sprinter van and it eventually came true. I know I will get paid to go to Europe sooner than I think if I do all the things I already know must be done to make it happen. I’ve already signaled to the universe that this is what I want and got so frickin’ close. If I had gotten the Bumbershoot check earlier, I would be in Bristol right now struggling to find a way to earn money. My To Do list remains the same no matter where I am because I want to learn how to work remotely. I must start Instagramming again so I can remain on the radar of those who can help make the trip happen AND write @TheRingOfDOOM’s origin story that no one else can. I will be at Tintagel Castle in the UK next to King Arthur’s statue near Merlin’s Cave sooner than I think and it will be fucking awesome. I will be at Giant’s Causeway in Northern Ireland creating my own @TheRingOfDOOM legends after learning more about its legacy from the locals shortly after I show the world what I can do when my head is clear enough. One step at a time will get me there eventually as long as I keep on going.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Stretch at least 10 minutes (I have not been doing this)

3.     Eat three meals

4.     Finish applying for freelance writing job and apply for more

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Finish this blog

7.     Make Photoshopped Icon for September Spotify List

8.     Go to storage unit to get art to list for sale and see if I have anything else people might want to buy.

9.     Brainstorm new @TheRingOfDOOM Patreon video.

SONG OF THE DAY

Sevdaliza “Hear My Pain Heal” 2017

Day 49 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 49

Still here attempting to suppress the constant state of panic about my financial situation and how to best handle my multi-tiered trauma extravaganza but I’ve already taken some steps toward addressing the problems. The fact that I’m still waiting on a direly needed paycheck does not help the matter at all but I will get through it. I am waiting to hear back about my eligibility on low-income therapy sessions (even though my previous attempts led to more trauma; fall down 1000 times… get up 1001 times) and I’ve resolved to quit caffeine again. [Update: the widespread Bezosian Rent Warfare and our evil government have caused so many Seattleites to reach out for assistance that it would be 2-3 months before I could have my first appointment at this place.] My super-money-saving $5.99 can of coffee still lives on but I must break up with it because it won’t do a thing for the constant pounding in my chest. We’re broken up, it’s over; I will no longer be caffeine’s bitch. I’m going to start dating Sleepytime Tea for a while instead in hopes it will chill me the fuck out.

@TheRingOfDOOM’s newest body cooking in my toaster oven.

It feels irresponsible to not spend my whole day seeking out ways to earn large chunks of money but my family has advised me to try to focus on drinking enough water, eating healthy food, and resting instead. I would go back to sleep right now (only two hours of sleep because my mind is sprinting in circles) but because I am so broke at this exact moment I must go out into the world to pull $40 out of one bank’s ATM to put it directly in another so I can pay the bills due tomorrow. There are millions of people in my same situation and it helps to remember that I am luckier than most because I can stay with family for a short time when I need it most… like right now. I still have a really expensive car I can sleep in but it won’t come to that. I’ve already tried living in my car and it is terrible unless I can stay in the mountains all day and have enough food. That said, living in my car only serves to compound my problems, does nothing to solve them, and renders me useless when attempting to deal with the rest of the world. I’m also a white lady whose demons are mostly internal and I am extremely fortunate I don’t have centuries of racist assholes terrorizing myself and others that look similar to me… except of course for the white men in suits that terrorize us all and the men that have been taking advantage of women since forever. I could not be more grateful for what I do have but that doesn’t make the pain go away or manage any of the issues.

I know that I’ll still be able to achieve my I’mPossible dream of taking @TheRingOfDOOM back to Europe and that it will be even better because I will have taken all the steps needed to make it happen in the best way. Attempting to leap too far in a single bound when I am broken is setting myself up for failure and if I’m truly trying to be kind to myself, I will take the time to do things right. My favorite thing I did yesterday was say no to an offer of day-drinking and being high all day (fortunately, not hard at all for me at all) and instead reach out to two (so many more to go) of the organizations I’ve been putting off for too long and eat the healthiest meal I’ve had since I was in New York early-July. I understand that these people may not ever respond but it was a great step either way. I’m getting better at communicating my vision for @TheRingOfDOOM but that is 100% subjective. I have yet to figure out how to announce on his Instagram that we did not wake up in Bristol today as planned but there are infinite hilarious/entertaining ways to do that.

My list of goals for the day will be shorter so that I can easily accomplish them all and feel like a winner.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. Water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Finish this blog post

4.     Take a nap

5.     Go move $40 from one bank’s ATM to another so I can cover the bills due tomorrow leaving me with approximately $12.

6.     Hope my paycheck shows up.

SONG OF THE DAY

Mac DeMarco – “Chamber Of Reflection” 2014  

Day 48 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 48

Words cannot describe how much I would have loved to get on a plane in a few hours. Every plan for my whole life centered around making this trip happen today; had I known I wouldn’t be able to pull it off, I may not have started this blog and shared myself crashing into this wall of childhood trauma. I can only hope that by continuing to be honest with myself and the few people that do read this, I’ll be able to inspire them to do things the right way as well. I am still 100% intent on Achieving The I’mPossible but I have a lifetime of unfinished internal work that needs to be done before I can even get close to my infinite potential. There are so many reasons why I did not go… the most blatant being that I only have $50 to my name right now and a combined total of approximately $40,000 in debt. I know what needed to be done to make it happen but I did not do it because I was scared to reach out. Due to my trust issues and my long history of working for people who have not compensated me fairly (cause and effect?), I’m resistant to reach out to anyone when I need something. When any of us need money as much as most of us do, we all settle for less than we deserve. This is the way the fixed system is supposed to work. I have definitely worked for some great people with beautiful intentions over the last few years but none of them were able to pay me a living wage; I still hold those people close to my heart even if the feeling is not mutual. I could not be more sure that creating opportunities for artists all over the world to break out of struggle mode is the best possible plan for my life. Unfortunately, I have been operating in struggle mode myself for so long that the courage I must find to make it happen is buried under decades of unaddressed issues.

One of my favorite @TheRingOfDOOM photos.

Had I already received my Bumbershoot check, I might be getting on the plane today. I’d still be broke but I’d be in the place I most want to be and be surrounded by interesting people and have tons of new things to photograph. I will never know if my epic plan would have worked because it never truly began. My delusional optimism led me to believe that I’d be creating such good content that someone would offer me an advance on a photo book deal, a travel show, or a much needed opportunity to learn; I did not make this content because I was too lost in my own head to do it. I have resolved to address my childhood traumas and figure out how to live a healthy life but at this exact moment I am a 40 year old single woman, buried in debt, with only $50 that has already been spoken for, and a fractured heart. I would be homeless right now if my family wasn’t offering me a place to sleep. I weeped my way through painting the art studio I’ve been squatting in for ten months (that made me even more depressed instead of saving me money) last night and talked to my Dad for the first time in too long. He pointed out I was not being kind to myself by trying to assemble my best life in such a short amount of time and that attempting to tackle buried childhood traumas in the days before I leave on a two-month solo I’mPossible mission is a terrible idea. If I’m not being kind to myself, no one else will either. I cannot save the world by sharing messages of love with an underground Hip Hop soundtrack if I can’t figure out how to make enough money to eat three meals a day.

The same three people who inspired me to think this big have all mentioned that getting our heads right must be the first step in any situation. Because I have a tendency to see what I want to see OR because so many of us are struggling with the same issues, it often feels like they’re addressing me directly in their podcasts, videos, and social media posts. I’ve been studying these three people for at least two years (or more in one case) so I know how to tackle creating the career I want but I still have no idea how to tackle the root of all my failures that is preventing me from suiting up for the game of life. Knowing the problem does not solve it but it is the first step. Shoutout to Chase Jarvis, Tim Ferriss, and Gary Vaynerchuk for all the inspiration and guidance. I have so much love for these people even though we’ve never met and I would leap towards a mentorship or job with them or any other person whose intention is to help their employees live their best lives.

I truly want my life to be a good story. Fortunately, the best stories have a ton of conflict and obstacles for the main character to learn from. Yes, going to Bristol to drink the water and have a transformation is a fucking awesome story but I’m not in a position to tell it at this time. I created an entire universe for a character I made out of clay and I will tell the story when the time is right. I’ll continue to develop the legacy of @TheRingOfDOOM on Instagram and my website (and many other ways) but this exact miniseries will have to wait. The photo-graphic novel WILL be amazing once I get the clarity but at this time I am not in a position to work solely on my creative ventures even though it is all I see for my future. The story of a woman who is tackling her issues head on so she can live her best life is relatable to at least half of the world and that is currently my story. I wanted to seek out messages of love all over the world because I have not truly found the love of self I need to survive this crazy world. The Messages Of Love photo book WILL be something that will bring joy to people’s lives but I cannot make it happen on $50 total when my bills every month are $1200 (without paying any rent).

I was hoping to make epic shit happen in Bristol TOMORROW but instead I will make epic shit happen in my own head every day until I’ve reached the light. Because my goal is to figure out how to work remotely and to be creative, I can literally do this from anywhere in the world WHEN I’m able to truly begin. I wanted to set myself up for my best life in the $295 art studio I just moved out of but the effects of living somewhere I wasn’t supposed with no kitchen or shower made me too depressed to figure out how to make enough money to eat. I prioritized paying my bills over all else and I still ended up starting a debt relief program. In the last few weeks, I wanted to save all my money for bills so I ended up being too hungry to go on the long photography walks I love so much and without the gas money to drive anywhere. One cannot live on nuts, cheese, and Clif Bars if they hope to be clear-headed and healthy enough to walk 10 miles a day.

I do not know what will happen next but I’ll continue to write anyway because I can still inspire people to live their best life even if I’m not at Giant’s Causeway filming an episode of my travel miniseries on my phone. The people we love most on this planet have been brave enough to share their troubles and souls with us. We are all divided if we are stuck in our own head and we must work together to find our common ground if we’re to overthrow the demons in our own heads and in our government. They want us to be poor and needy so we’ll accept the meager wages being offered to us and do as we’re told but I cannot do that anymore. I allowed myself to remain broken and I never tried to fix me until now. I have no idea how to do it but as with most things, hard work, patience, reaching out, and watching how-to-videos on YouTube will help us learn what we need to learn. I WILL find a way to earn a sustainable income in a way that I’m not morally opposed to soon by working smarter AND harder and share it with you as it’s happening.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     10 Minute Stretch

3.     Go For A Walk

4.     Blog Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also)

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.    Hang out with a friend and talk about the realest shit.

SONG OF THE DAY

Air – “Universal Traveler” 2004  I’ll be traveling through the universes of my brain until further notice.