Day 63 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 63

Feeling way better than yesterday and also more ready to tackle my first three goals… for real this time. I have never actually measured how much water I drink but I know it hasn’t been enough. I’m finally hungry again so I’m looking forward to eating all the things, like Kalbi Beef Tacos from Marination. Watching part of Lord Of The Rings did help refill my metaphorical vessel a bit because it was time I did not spend on social media. I wholeheartedly admit that I scroll too much because I like to see what is going on in the world and with the people I’m too in my head to hang out with. The current events with Kavanaugh and Queen Dr. Christine Blasey Ford hit extremely close to home and it hurts too much to see often. Trump and his cronies want us to be divided and sad and it is working too well. Terrified to know what they are distracting us from this time. Anyway, I must take a mini break from Facebook and Twitter (duh Liz) and only use it to promote my own projects for a bit. #justsaynotoscrolling

I’m currently researching how some of our favorite legends/stories began. Specifically, did Tolkien start with a map or a cast of characters or an outline, or did he just start writing? I wonder the same thing about J.K. Rowling, Alan Moore with Watchmen, and pretty much every comic book or series ever. Since Tolkein was an Oxford professor I’m pretty sure he must have already known a ton about the legends he placed in the series and would definitely not have just started writing. At first I wasn’t sure if I would find any useful use for my UW History Degree but some of my favorite authors were History Professors that weaved their historical knowledge in with Fantasy to create incredible results. At some point for school I read a Deborah Harkness (another History Professor) book about London’s Alchemy Community in the 16th Century called The Jewel House that was written so well that I could hardly tell it was a History book. After I graduated, I found the time to read her Fantasy book, A Discovery Of Witches, and I was hooked. I’ve always been curious about the origins of legends and was planning on further researching the topic more while in Europe. I studied King Arthur and I cannot wait to go to Tintagel Castle and Merlin’s Cave even though he is likely a purely fictional character like @TheRingOfDOOM. Fairies, elves, goblins, and other fantastical creatures are also rooted in Europe and I’d love to go take deep breaths in a place where they’re rumored to have existed. History is written by the survivors and sometimes even voted on by the elites of the time (Council Of Nicaea) and we may never know the stories of those who they squashed. The point of all this is I have already created so many elements of @TheRingOfDOOM’s story but haven’t put it all together yet. Over a year ago, I made a list of all the things I had already mentioned on his Instagram and it was six pages long. His story is very visual so it will definitely be a photo-graphic novel (I can’t draw and I want to keep working on my photography skills) and I truly can’t wait to see what I come up with next. Currently daydreaming about the layout of his home planet. It sure will be wicked awesome when I get my shit together enough to actually make this happen. Fortunately, we live in a time when I can publish it myself if I feel so inclined but I’d really love to work with Fantagraphics and/or another publisher with an excellent reputation. Anything is possible if I JUST DOOM IT.

Since I’m still recovering from the sickness and I’m hoping to be closer to full operating mode tomorrow for work, I’m not going to try to do too much today. I’ve never been good at being still and in general the more I do, the better I feel but sleep and relaxation is good, so I’ve heard. All I know for sure is that I drink enough water, eat three meals, and stretch for at least ten minutes, I will feel better tomorrow than I do today. I still have yet to finalize today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video but I have drafted so many over the last few years, these first ones will likely be me clearing out my iMovie to make room for the new stuff. Wonder how long it will take me to ask an actual person to be in one of his movies…

 TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Post today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video

7.     Go for a walk

SONG OF THE DAY

DEPECHE MODE “The World In My Eyes”1990  Violator remains to be one of my favorite albums and this whole blog is pretty much about me wanting to show you the world in my eyes full time.

Day 61 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 61

I can’t be the only one that has looked up “how to be a healthy grownup.” The Google results do not give me the answers I am looking for. If they did teach us this in school, I buried it under a few decades of ignoring my needs to be a subservient employee/person. What I used to call strategic dehydration so I could work without having to take bathroom breaks and impress my bosses, I now see was prioritizing other’s needs before my own and was self-destructive. A vague memory of a meditation lesson in a junior high portable just emerged but we mostly giggled through it because someone farted or something. I could really use a definitive list of all the things I need to do/eat to be healthy but only I can make that list. I guess it is obvious when I really think about it but putting it into action daily is tricky.  I’ve accomplished the most when I’m on my Mary Poppins, meaning when I turn my to do list into a game. It would be wise if I made a gameboard of how to be a healthy adult sooner than later. I would put stuff on it like vitamins, drinking water, stretching, eating vegetables, brushing/flossing, learning how to relax, etc. My huge 90 minute work block bulletin board (with 421 completed work blocks and only eleven-ish completed 10 minute stretches) remains intact in my storage unit with the rest of my art/life/nostalgia supplies… maybe it’s time for a new travel-size bulletin board as I’m still living out of a suitcase and small backpack. I’m still amazed by the art I made during my blind pursuit of my own creativity but I need to reprioritize my whole shit. We can’t accomplish any of our dreams at all if we’re dehydrated, malnutritioned, and tied in knots (emotionally/physically). 

Last night I dreamed that one of my favorite visual artists was my friend and when I woke up I was bummed that I haven’t even met him yet. He’s been brave enough to share his journey toward sobriety with the world and it made me love him even more. I know I’ll meet him eventually and I hope we get to have some real conversations. Even though I’ve literally given last minute advice to tons of superfans (and have gotten many jobs because I’m so good at being around/helping/driving famous people) about how to be cool when they meet their heroes, I’m still terrible at meeting my own unless we get to work together. The first great example of this is when I met Peanut Butter Wolf at a festival. A photo of him I made at the release of the Stones Throw documentary, Our Vinyl Weighs A Ton, was my phone wallpaper for years because I was working toward being the Peanut Butter Wolf of Seattle in my own weird way. I drove solo all the way to LA from Seattle to go the event and didn’t talk to him; even though he was less than three feet away from me. I still have the same goal to help artists be their best selves but fortunately I’ve gotten even weirder and have expanded my mission to include the entire universe. When I met him, all I could say was, “will you take a picture with my friend” and handed him @TheRingOfDOOM like a dumbass. The time I met Dan The Automator, one of my all-time favorite producers, I may have listed off too many of his projects that I loved and I’m pretty sure I weirded him out. At least he knows I guess? Here’s hoping when I eventually meet Prince Paul, Danger Mouse, Alchemist, and Evidence I’m able to play it a little bit cooler. Ideally, I’ll get a chance to work with these artists so that I can show them I’m not messin around and that I’d be the best possible addition to their team.

I want to write about all the political bullshit but it is still too painful and hits too close to home. Most of the men I have been mistreated by likely do not even realize the damage they have done or that they were doing anything wrong. I have received zero ill treatment (of a sexual harassment nature) from men while on the job in the music industry but I am confident that I have not gotten jobs because I am a woman. I don’t want to go into detail on the specific jobs because my heart remains broken and they may come around eventually. The Underground Hip Hop world is a total sausage fest and while I do know some totally bad ass women in the community, most of the key players I once hoped to work with and learn from are men. To anyone out there who thinks I’m in this to date rappers… if that was my goal, I would not have been single for the last six years and go fuck yourself.

It’s time to put a bow on this so I can finish up Day 2 of #100DaysOfTheRingOfDOOMvideos and head to work. My first payday is tomorrow and it could not have come any sooner. Soon I’ll be able to breathe!

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to work and kick ass

7.     Work on next @TheRingOfDOOM video

8.     Start November playlist

SONG OF THE DAY

Massive Attack “Paradise Circus” 2010 If you like this song as much as I do, you’ll love the remix by Gui Borrato.

Day 59 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 59

Yesterday I worked and spent most of the rest of the day attempting to relax. I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to go back to Portland to make more photos. One of my would-be favorite shots from Burnside has my finger in it so my perfectionism won’t let me post it. I’ll be heading downtown to take some photos this afternoon before work because there are some spots I haven’t photographed in too long. I’ve been procrastinating the completion of my video from the beach like a dumbass. If I really want to do myself a service, I’ll start my next two 100 Day Projects today so I can feel like I’m making progress in life. Even though I’ve never made a penny off my websites, they have led to every opportunity in the music industry I’ve ever had so I know it is worth it to keep going.

Favorite photo from my field trip.

Sometimes I think I don’t have the entrepreneur gene but then I remember that my cousin and I created our own newspaper when we were around 10 and had actual subscribers. We hand typed every issue ON TYPEWRITERS and charged 25 cents each; it was called the Market Street Reporter. I believe I have one or two in my storage unit somewhere (I’ve had most of my belongings in storage for almost two years now). The truth is that I haven’t pulled the trigger on most of my ideas because I doubt myself AND because I still feel weird about using DOOM’s likeness and making money from it. I have asked them in the past if they’d like me to stop but they asked if I would send them what I was working on. The zine I had just made was crude and unimpressive but I sent it to them anyway. No response from that but I totally get it. When you know you’re going to be sending whatever you make to your one of your favorite rapper’s teams, the stakes feel higher. I still want to make the photo-graphic novel and videos because it’ll help me to learn new skills and develop the story. At one point a French duo called NowFutur created a DOOM mix called Origins Of The Villain using samples from his songs and his original sources to create a video project that inspired DOOM to have them open for him at some of his European shows. Anything is possible if I make the thing and vice versa.

My trip to Europe feels so far off now because it is. Unless I can get some sponsors, I won’t be able to go until the spring. That would give me time to hopefully earn enough to pay for my dental work (even with my insurance) and raise the funds for the trip itself. Ideally, I’ll also be able to have enough to live somewhere when I get back. I’ve already got the Skyscanner alerts set so I can hopefully get the ticket for under $500 like last time. The trip won’t magically happen in the spring, I will have to make it happen with small steps every day. I’ll be seeking out a sublet situation once I earn the fundage… soon. So excited for the paychecks to start flowing. I don’t plan on living alone so it should be pretty affordable. Usually I just want to hide in my room and make stuff anyway so I’m a great roommate.

The sad photo with a finger in it.

Sometimes writing this blog makes me feel like I’m just talking about the things I want to do instead of just doing them… because it is true. I enjoy the act of writing and would love to keep doing it, I just can’t let it take up so much time that it replaces creating the rest of the art I want to make. Even though I know where I want to go, the route is still blurry. All I know for sure is that I won’t get anywhere if I don’t keep finishing stuff. I didn’t complete any of the things I wanted to yesterday so my goals remain the same but I added a walk.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to work and kick ass

7.     Make a video from the footage I got yesterday at the ocean.

8.     Finish September Spotify playlist

9.     Go for a walk and make some new photos.

SONG OF THE DAY

Gorillaz “Tomorrow Comes Today” 2001  If I keep on putting it off until tomorrow, I’ll be running in place forever.

Day 56 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 56

Due to a wait list win at my first craniosacral therapy appointment (gift from my sister and brother-in-law) later today, I’ll be heading to the ocean tomorrow instead. When this works as it is intended, my body should be able to relax for the first time in decades. Definitely nervous to see how this works but I’m curious to see if it will affect my posture because so much of the work is done around the spinal cord. I’ve been a sloucher as long as I can remember because I’ve been attempting to be invisible. FYI, almost everything I know about craniosacral therapy is due to Googling it a few minutes ago. I wasn’t going to write about it because it seems so personal but it is part of my story so it must be included. The goal of this blog was to share my journey and this is part of it. Fortunately, talking about therapy is more normalized than in previous years and not getting help at this time would keep my growth stunted permanently.

I did get some new @TheRingOfDOOM photos yesterday but for the most part I’m having trouble figuring out what to do with the storyline. Most of the stories I’ve created with him in the past have been written after I got the photos but I believe some of my best work was made when I storyboarded the video first or had a plan for the photo shoot. I had the first page of his photo-graphic novel origin story taped to the wall in my studio for at least six months but never started it because it seems like such an advanced maneuver to actually do it. I love the idea of releasing a graphic novel a chapter at a time in comic book/zine form and then releasing all the chapters at once in book form once there is an audience for it. If I actually create the first few chapters, I’ll have something to send to publishers so I can start the process of getting rejected many times before someone finally decides to run with it. I’m not sure if anyone has made a graphic novel with photos yet but I think it is an amazing idea.

I’m looking forward to the clarity I’ll find by going to this appointment today and field tripping to the ocean tomorrow. The long drives almost always help me to focus on what I need to do the most. That said, I already know that all I need to do is to keep on making stuff every day. I need to get over the fact that I can’t make my storyboarded European miniseries and just keep doing. Still not sure if I want to finish my TheRingOfDOOM Vs. The Vulcan Of Amazonia video because making a video about how the world’s richest man is terrible could make me the enemy of all those who work for him. I’m not here on Earth to make enemies, I’m here to unite people and make them happier. Even with this as my mission, I have somehow created people who don’t like me. A local musician actually blocked me on Twitter because I dared to promote their amazing music and tag them (like I have for hundreds/thousands of others in the last nine years) so no matter what direction I go in, there will be haters… even spreading love and great music. The best thing I can do is to create the art I want to see in the world that only I can make and surround myself with awesome, driven, creative people who actually like me and want to see me succeed.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Finish adding songs to September playlist

7.     Go to craniosacral therapy appointment

8.     Go to Stop Biting at LoFi

9.     Go for a walk in an interesting area and take photos

SONG OF THE DAY

Rhye “Hymn” 2018  New Rhye… love this band.

Day 39 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 39

As the day of my departure gets closer, I’m getting even more confident it will all work out. It must. Being on this side of the art community makes me realize why people appreciated me so much when I was in a direct position to create opportunities for them in the music industry. It surprised me that people were shocked that I responded to their emails but now I see why. So many people don’t even reply when you reach out directly even when it is a good business practice to do so. Artists appreciate honest feedback even if it is letting them know they’re not yet on the level they need to be. I know I’ll forgive those who have yet to respond like I have forgiven those who did not tip me but when faced between choosing to shine light on people who have helped create opportunities for me and those who haven’t, the choice will be easy. Seattle is really damn small and rarely does being Seattle-famous add up to anything but I am actively working on changing that… which is why I know I will succeed.

It can be tricky to not dwell on the reasons one believes they are not succeeding. Every second spent thinking about who/what we believe is holding us back is a second not spent thinking about how to achieve our goals. I have not succeeded yet because I have not been able to communicate my ideas to the right people even with my white privilege working for me. It is because I am simultaneously trying to hide and change the world at the same time that my progress seems to have stalled out (not true, progressing every day). It is also because I have been afraid to put myself back in a position in which people reach out on a daily basis for help that my calls to the world are still ringing. Only by fine-tuning the messages I want the world will receive will I get closer to achieving my goals. My goal is to make the world a better place by highlighting the artists intent on creating art that unites us and gives us a reason to smile on a global level… including myself.

Yesterday’s adventure to the woods was exactly what I needed but did very little to suppress my desire to wander. I often forget that before I bound myself to another that I was a very happy seasonal worker. I worked at ski resorts in the winter and spent my summers employed at resorts in Alaska and summer camps/marinas in Lake Tahoe. From the moment I first went to Alaska at the age of eighteen, I knew that I was not meant to sit at a desk and that I would seek out adventures until my last days on this Earth. The music scenes are not that crackin’ in these remote locations so that can either be seen as an opportunity or a barrier depending on one’s attitude. Depending on what opportunities I create for myself while in Europe, I will most likely return to the mountains after/if I head back to the states. Wandering around the Alpental ski resort yesterday brought back tons of great memories from my era as a snowboard instructor and I finally recalled that the only reason I left was because my ex wanted to. 

’ve spent at least six hours over the last few days doing things that must be done but that aren’t that fun… like talking with the people at Americor about my debt relief program (even though everyone I’ve spoken with is a truly awesome human), freeing up space on my computer because it was like nah, and attempting to organize my photos and videos. Technical difficulties have held me back from so many things (#1 example is making music) and at this very moment, I’m successfully moving videos from my newish phone to my laptop for the first time. Good things happen when you try.

Over the next week I will finish my Patreon video and send it out into the world. I will sum up my plans to change the universe in under two minutes and motivate people to rally behind me because I must. I want to work my ass off for people who acknowledge my efforts and are classy enough to compensate me for all that I bring to the table. That person could be me if I make it so but I know that with the right team, this project could be much bigger than myself and @TheRingOfDOOM and the sooner I figure out how to draw that team to me, the better.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     10 Minute Stretch

3.     Go For A Walk

4.     Blog Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also) - LISBON

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Further research on successful Patreon videos and storyboarding my own.

7.     Post a video on YouTube because I need practice!!!

SONG OF THE DAY

Mac Miller feat. Anderson.Paak – “Dang” 2016  I’ve had a soft spot for Mac Miller in my heart since the day I drove him and Ariana around in my Subaru a few years back (shortly after this song came out). My favorite thing about our short time together is that he was convinced we had met before; so much so that he stayed in the car for over a minute after his friends got out to investigate where we could have met. Sadly, I could not remember if we had because at that time in my career, I was driving so many artists around that I did not recall. We’ve lost some of our greatest heroes because we could not see that they needed help through our admiration and awe even when they were telling us with their art. Sending all my love to those who feel the pain of this loss, love you Mac. 

Day 38 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 38

Today I was surprised to wake up and think, “ooo, what can I do tomorrow?” This could only be the procrastinator in me who is just afraid to start filming myself, or, the fact that I stayed up til 5:30am watching videos from two of my new favorite heroes, Casey Neistat and Peter McKinnon. If you’re paying attention to the YouTube nation, you have likely already heard of these two but I was blessed to find them while researching the Patreon videos of those who have successfully utilized the platform. I realized that I’ve been doing the world a disservice by NOT filming my adventures. I make it a point to do the most interesting stuff possible and always have more fun if I’m making something too. Great examples… the day I went to North Bend/Snoqualmie to film a Twin Peaks tribute with @TheRingOfDOOM and going on rap tours. Since I grew up in this area and we were always into free entertainment, I visited Snoqualmie Falls and the surrounding areas more times than I can count but the process of making the video made it a whole new experience.  

One of the best things I learned from two of my new favorite YouTubers is the beauty of B-Roll footage. Without really knowing what it means, I’ve acquired quite a bit of amazing B-Roll because I like filming weird stuff. Watching Casey’s videos in particular, helped me to realize that there is much to be gained by being brave enough to just film it all and that wearing sunglasses is more than okay. The life I will be living on this Europe trip will be both inspiring, beautiful, hilarious, and will show the world places they don’t often see. By showing them what I’m seeing and allowing them into my weird world, I may get closer to being able to afford food on the trip… so I must. Visiting Porto showed me the joys and financial benefits of exploring the smaller cities in a country so while I will be heading to London and Paris, I plan to spend most of my time in the cities that have gotten less press over the years. It may be the galleries and artists from the city that somehow found my Instagram but I’m feeling the call to Rotterdam and I can’t wait to figure out why. Other cities I have on my list are Bristol, Manchester, Liverpool, Edinburgh, Belfast, Stavanger, Copenhagen, Oslo, Madrid, Marseilles, Bordeaux, Florence, Naples, and everywhere else really. I couldn’t be more confident that my adventures will be weirder, and therefore way more interesting, than those who have gone before me only IF I’m brave enough to be myself in front of the camera. A 40 year old woman traveling with an MF DOOM based fictional character will probably make a very different video than a twenty-something influencer-type who wants to hit the clubs. Until I’m able to firmly grasp the assistance of a team, I get to explore myself as a filmmaker and continue to make the weirdest stuff possible on my own terms.

In the past, my creativity ran out almost exactly the moment I realized I’d be out of money in a few days and my @TheRingOfDOOM US TOUR stopped dead in its tracks approximately twelve hours into Texas as I was heading further south into areas where sleeping in my car at night would be way too sweaty to become a reality. Looking back on the still unused footage I’m realizing that the missing link is the B-Roll footage. I was so caught up on getting shots with @TheRingOfDOOM in it that I neglected to capture the scenery for the most part. Had I been vlogging at the time, my story would be so much different and it likely would have helped me stay on top of the depression that held me back at the time. Watching the sizzle reels of the videographers I worked with at Bumbershoot and the videos of Casey Neistat and Rob McKinnon showed me how far I have to go on this journey but as long as I can stay on top of my mindstate, I’m going to have a blast learning how to make better videos and my progression will be wicked awesome.

Last night at approximately 4:30am was when I decided I must go to the woods today for further reflection and to see what kind of footage I’m called to create today. After I finish this post and promote it, I’m heading to the woods for the first time in way too long to gather both my thoughts and also footage to set the scene of Washington as a whole for my Patreon video. It is not a new concept that the pursuit of money can halt artists in their tracks and that struggle mode prevents artists from maximizing their potential on a daily basis. I began to seek out financial stability outside of the music industry so I can afford to keep working with musicians and have every intention of using the platform I create to highlight the artists that inspire me. For the most part, the money issue has been why I’m a Delusional Optimist and not just an Optimist. I wholeheartedly believe that the universe will provide me with everything I need once I figure out what that is and to this day it has proven to be true. While there are many things at this time that would make my life easier and/or healthier; I have more than what I need to survive and am in a better position than most of the people on this planet in spite of my lack of health insurance, a stable income, food money, and a permanent home. We get to prioritize whatever we want in our lives and by choosing travel as my main priority, I’ve abandoned what normal people feel they need to survive in search of adventure and this is why I must show people my story and bring them along with me. The only way I will make this work is by allowing myself the headspace to develop this idea to its fullest.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     10 Minute Stretch

3.     Go For A Walk In The Woods and get some great footage

4.     Blog Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also) - LISBON

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.      Further work on Lisbon post.

7.    Further work on freeing up space on my laptop and phone for new adventures. (I’ve spent many hours of the last few days on this boring but vital task).

8.   Make plan for exit of studio space and of the final footage I’ll get in the space for my Patreon video.

SONG OF THE DAY

Chris Whitley – “Big Sky Country” 1991  This song has remained a constant in my life since listening to the song on cassette in the family Suburban on road trips through big sky country in the early nineties. I know from experience how many places in the middle of the US that are the perfect spot to play this song and am headed there today.