Day 59 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 59

Yesterday I worked and spent most of the rest of the day attempting to relax. I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to go back to Portland to make more photos. One of my would-be favorite shots from Burnside has my finger in it so my perfectionism won’t let me post it. I’ll be heading downtown to take some photos this afternoon before work because there are some spots I haven’t photographed in too long. I’ve been procrastinating the completion of my video from the beach like a dumbass. If I really want to do myself a service, I’ll start my next two 100 Day Projects today so I can feel like I’m making progress in life. Even though I’ve never made a penny off my websites, they have led to every opportunity in the music industry I’ve ever had so I know it is worth it to keep going.

Favorite photo from my field trip.

Sometimes I think I don’t have the entrepreneur gene but then I remember that my cousin and I created our own newspaper when we were around 10 and had actual subscribers. We hand typed every issue ON TYPEWRITERS and charged 25 cents each; it was called the Market Street Reporter. I believe I have one or two in my storage unit somewhere (I’ve had most of my belongings in storage for almost two years now). The truth is that I haven’t pulled the trigger on most of my ideas because I doubt myself AND because I still feel weird about using DOOM’s likeness and making money from it. I have asked them in the past if they’d like me to stop but they asked if I would send them what I was working on. The zine I had just made was crude and unimpressive but I sent it to them anyway. No response from that but I totally get it. When you know you’re going to be sending whatever you make to your one of your favorite rapper’s teams, the stakes feel higher. I still want to make the photo-graphic novel and videos because it’ll help me to learn new skills and develop the story. At one point a French duo called NowFutur created a DOOM mix called Origins Of The Villain using samples from his songs and his original sources to create a video project that inspired DOOM to have them open for him at some of his European shows. Anything is possible if I make the thing and vice versa.

My trip to Europe feels so far off now because it is. Unless I can get some sponsors, I won’t be able to go until the spring. That would give me time to hopefully earn enough to pay for my dental work (even with my insurance) and raise the funds for the trip itself. Ideally, I’ll also be able to have enough to live somewhere when I get back. I’ve already got the Skyscanner alerts set so I can hopefully get the ticket for under $500 like last time. The trip won’t magically happen in the spring, I will have to make it happen with small steps every day. I’ll be seeking out a sublet situation once I earn the fundage… soon. So excited for the paychecks to start flowing. I don’t plan on living alone so it should be pretty affordable. Usually I just want to hide in my room and make stuff anyway so I’m a great roommate.

The sad photo with a finger in it.

Sometimes writing this blog makes me feel like I’m just talking about the things I want to do instead of just doing them… because it is true. I enjoy the act of writing and would love to keep doing it, I just can’t let it take up so much time that it replaces creating the rest of the art I want to make. Even though I know where I want to go, the route is still blurry. All I know for sure is that I won’t get anywhere if I don’t keep finishing stuff. I didn’t complete any of the things I wanted to yesterday so my goals remain the same but I added a walk.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to work and kick ass

7.     Make a video from the footage I got yesterday at the ocean.

8.     Finish September Spotify playlist

9.     Go for a walk and make some new photos.

SONG OF THE DAY

Gorillaz “Tomorrow Comes Today” 2001  If I keep on putting it off until tomorrow, I’ll be running in place forever.

Day 56 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 56

Due to a wait list win at my first craniosacral therapy appointment (gift from my sister and brother-in-law) later today, I’ll be heading to the ocean tomorrow instead. When this works as it is intended, my body should be able to relax for the first time in decades. Definitely nervous to see how this works but I’m curious to see if it will affect my posture because so much of the work is done around the spinal cord. I’ve been a sloucher as long as I can remember because I’ve been attempting to be invisible. FYI, almost everything I know about craniosacral therapy is due to Googling it a few minutes ago. I wasn’t going to write about it because it seems so personal but it is part of my story so it must be included. The goal of this blog was to share my journey and this is part of it. Fortunately, talking about therapy is more normalized than in previous years and not getting help at this time would keep my growth stunted permanently.

I did get some new @TheRingOfDOOM photos yesterday but for the most part I’m having trouble figuring out what to do with the storyline. Most of the stories I’ve created with him in the past have been written after I got the photos but I believe some of my best work was made when I storyboarded the video first or had a plan for the photo shoot. I had the first page of his photo-graphic novel origin story taped to the wall in my studio for at least six months but never started it because it seems like such an advanced maneuver to actually do it. I love the idea of releasing a graphic novel a chapter at a time in comic book/zine form and then releasing all the chapters at once in book form once there is an audience for it. If I actually create the first few chapters, I’ll have something to send to publishers so I can start the process of getting rejected many times before someone finally decides to run with it. I’m not sure if anyone has made a graphic novel with photos yet but I think it is an amazing idea.

I’m looking forward to the clarity I’ll find by going to this appointment today and field tripping to the ocean tomorrow. The long drives almost always help me to focus on what I need to do the most. That said, I already know that all I need to do is to keep on making stuff every day. I need to get over the fact that I can’t make my storyboarded European miniseries and just keep doing. Still not sure if I want to finish my TheRingOfDOOM Vs. The Vulcan Of Amazonia video because making a video about how the world’s richest man is terrible could make me the enemy of all those who work for him. I’m not here on Earth to make enemies, I’m here to unite people and make them happier. Even with this as my mission, I have somehow created people who don’t like me. A local musician actually blocked me on Twitter because I dared to promote their amazing music and tag them (like I have for hundreds/thousands of others in the last nine years) so no matter what direction I go in, there will be haters… even spreading love and great music. The best thing I can do is to create the art I want to see in the world that only I can make and surround myself with awesome, driven, creative people who actually like me and want to see me succeed.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Finish adding songs to September playlist

7.     Go to craniosacral therapy appointment

8.     Go to Stop Biting at LoFi

9.     Go for a walk in an interesting area and take photos

SONG OF THE DAY

Rhye “Hymn” 2018  New Rhye… love this band.

Day 53 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 53

Today is my orientation and first day of work at the pizza spot. Very excited to have a job with free food again and 59 days until I get to sign up for health and dental insurance. Yesterday I completed 11 of my 13 goals. I did not get all my Instagram photos in and I didn’t make any new @TheRingOfDOOM photos. So far his newest body has only been photographed in my old studio and I really want to make his first photo shoot next level amazing. Perfection is the killer of progress though. Gotta just DOOM it! I made five new photoshopped promo images for yet to be released playlists and travel posts last night and I can’t wait to share them. I realized that I can recycle the thousands of photos I’ve made so far on my previous adventures and still be a latergram travel blogger/photographer. Excited to continue to make photoshop collages, they’re rad because there is no mess to clean up when you’re finished and I can use images of anything for free.

Super excited to start earning money again. I have always been a workaholic but when you know exactly what you’re working toward, it is easier to get through the difficult spots. I’ve really enjoyed writing every day because it helps me to work through my bullshit but also because I’ve always really loved the process. I really hope that others are inspired to speak up about their pain because I know that so many of us are feeling alone in our struggles. Being 100% honest about the epic journeys in our brains will draw all the best people to us and vice versa. Can’t wait to meet a bunch of new people today. It’s always interesting to me to see how long it takes for me to disclose that I almost always have a fictional character and a tiny skateboard with me. I may need to try to push these blogs out faster so I can get more done in a day but I’m grateful for the time I’ve been able to spend on them so far.

I already released @TheRingOfDOOM 00013: CONTEMPTIBLE CAPITOL OF CORRUPTION here on my website today via YouTube and I uploaded it to Facebook last night as well. If I disappear, it is because Cheeto and his cronies are mad at me for making the video… know this. The video was 100% made on my iPhone with footage I gathered in DC while on tour with Dessa and I also included anti-Trump photos from all over the US. I attempted to airdrop it to my laptop so I’d have more options for text but my almost at capacity 2013 Mac is still rejecting the arrival of large video files. I’m getting better with every video so I can’t wait to see what I’ll be making in a month or even a year from now. If we wait to have fancy equipment to make videos/photos, we may be waiting forever. Just DOOM it.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to orientation/work

7.     Work on September playlist

SONG OF THE DAY

Gabriel Teodros feat. Otieno Terry – “Everything Comes To Light”2018 

Day 51 of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 51

When it is truly time for me to quit caffeine my body doesn’t make me suffer from withdrawals. Still no headaches and it’s my third day without coffee! I remain with out a concrete plan but now that I am staying in the US for a while I can start selling stuff on the internet again. Because I have such odd tastes, I have gone into debt with my eBay venture so far but I can turn it around if I make it a priority. Most of my belongings are only valuable to me but it’s worth a shot. I’ll also be taking my art back out of my storage unit and attempting to sell it again. It would be wise if I also did some work on my Hip Hop Crossword Puzzle Book so it can be closer to being something I can actually release into the world; Hip Hop publications may be interested in it if I can present it the right way.

Today my plan is to finish applying for a freelance writing job that would have me interviewing professional photographers to get their tips on how to make iPhone photos better. This would be rad because it would help me get better at what I’m hoping to do with my life and give me a reason to reach out to some of my favorite people. I’ll also seek out more jobs I’d be able to do from the road as well as reach out to the team I worked for at Bumbershoot to find out where the hell my damn check is. I’ll also be getting a deposit back on my art studio eventually but not for a few weeks. Other than the credit cards I’m not supposed to pay for my debt relief program, I have not paid a late bill yet. But today when I checked my email I was bummed to find out that my evil corporate bank took it’s under $1000 balance $14 fee from my account leaving me in the negative. Unfortunately, so that I can pay my debt relief payment tomorrow, I’ll be taking a cash advance from my surviving credit card and putting it right back into the same bank to cover the withdrawal IF I don’t receive my Bumbershoot check. I could breathe for like two days if that check showed up today but I’d still need to figure out how to make money fast.

Still can’t relax like it is recommended for people in my shoes because how the hell are you supposed to relax when your depression has driven you this far into debt and you’re putting yourself further into debt to cover your debts. Delivering pizza in the late 90s and using my car to make money in recent years has shown me that you almost always make more money if you’re not putting miles on your own vehicle. Ideally, the jobs I find TODAY will be the kind of jobs that will allow me to work remotely so that I can set myself up for the life I want.

Even though I already knew this, it would be wise for me to stop looking at Facebook and Twitter and use them only to promote my work. For a while I had removed the Facebook app from my phone but because I didn’t have my own wifi, I ended up reinstalling it so I could save my hotspot data. For some dumb reason, I still punish myself by reading into vague comments written by people I’ve never really been friends with and feel like it is a personal attack on myself. I know I’m not the only one who does this self-destructive act but I need to knock that shit off. If it is true that people are making fun of me for writing about my depression and for not being able to achieve my dream of getting on a plane a few days ago, these people likely need help with their own problems and it would mean that I have actual haters. If I have haters, I’m doing something right. Awesome. Whether these people are making fun of me or not, it is a waste of time to even think about them for one second of the day. Fortunately, I also see the ways that people I know and don’t know seem to be helping me along my path and I’m looking forward to telling them how they got me through my dark times… once I’ve figured out a way to move through them. I do hope that the people who have truly helped me over the years are not misinterpreting my writing to think that I do not appreciate their efforts. Many of the people I’ve worked for in the past have gone out of their way to create opportunities for me and I hope to be a success soon so I can repay them in my own weird ways.

In the recent weeks, I’ve given up ALL of my vices. None of them are good for me AND they cost money I don’t have. Coffee is over. I haven’t OD’d on sugar for weeks. I am blessed to be in a good place with alcohol so I’ve only had 2-3 free drinks of leftover wine from my sister and brother-in-law’s fridge in the last few weeks. I’ve also not smoked any weed for five days. I have no intention of quitting smoking weed forever because it is the healthiest of all the vices and it does help to calm my overactive brain sometimes but at this time it’s not working for me; it is legal here in Washington State so I’m not breaking any laws by consuming it. When I quit smoking weed, I start remembering my dreams which is usually uncomfortable at first. Almost all of my dreams are some form of the Alaskan Hotel Employee housing I lived in for three summers in my late teens/early twenties and last night’s dream was no different. This time, however, there were new people in the dream that I didn’t realize I missed so much and/or would love to get to know better.

A few years ago, I attempted to buy a Sprinter van. Of course, I was denied because I was already in debt and still had an upside down car loan with only small paychecks coming in from my over-full-time job BUT a few months later I was offered a job driving an even nicer Sprinter van around the country. I had seen the vision of myself driving around the country with musicians in a Sprinter van and it eventually came true. I know I will get paid to go to Europe sooner than I think if I do all the things I already know must be done to make it happen. I’ve already signaled to the universe that this is what I want and got so frickin’ close. If I had gotten the Bumbershoot check earlier, I would be in Bristol right now struggling to find a way to earn money. My To Do list remains the same no matter where I am because I want to learn how to work remotely. I must start Instagramming again so I can remain on the radar of those who can help make the trip happen AND write @TheRingOfDOOM’s origin story that no one else can. I will be at Tintagel Castle in the UK next to King Arthur’s statue near Merlin’s Cave sooner than I think and it will be fucking awesome. I will be at Giant’s Causeway in Northern Ireland creating my own @TheRingOfDOOM legends after learning more about its legacy from the locals shortly after I show the world what I can do when my head is clear enough. One step at a time will get me there eventually as long as I keep on going.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Stretch at least 10 minutes (I have not been doing this)

3.     Eat three meals

4.     Finish applying for freelance writing job and apply for more

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Finish this blog

7.     Make Photoshopped Icon for September Spotify List

8.     Go to storage unit to get art to list for sale and see if I have anything else people might want to buy.

9.     Brainstorm new @TheRingOfDOOM Patreon video.

SONG OF THE DAY

Sevdaliza “Hear My Pain Heal” 2017

Day 46 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 46

The car is clean and all of my stuff is in storage less the items I’ll be taking with me to Europe. Unfortunately, I was unable to find backup for my mission to sell my car so I’ll be enlisting the help of the people at BECU today by way of politely asking them to watch me like a TV while the transaction goes down. Those warning me to ask for more money so I could negotiate were right but I am not a haggler, even if I should be. There we go with the shoulds again; I don’t really want to be good at haggling because I know firsthand that it is hard to ask for what you’re worth and even harder to not accept less when you need the money… cough, job search.

Me in the year 2000 with the ski doctor who helped me one of he many times I hurt myself snowboarding.

I’ve already let the potential buyers know where they can find me today if they’re interested in the car and I’ll be heading out after I write this to post up outside BECU and push buttons on my phone until it is gone. BECU closes at 1pm so after I sell the car, I’ll have time to tackle the repainting/cleaning of my studio. When all goes well, I’ll have all my ducks in a row to leave by the end of the day… aside from money of course. I should be getting my Bumbershoot check before I leave so all my bills will be covered for the month… when I no longer have to pay for the car. The money will show up, I believe!

I am not looking at this Europe trip as a vacation. Of course it will be fun but jobs should be fun. It is truly an attempt at the one thing I want to do the most. You don’t wake up a 40 year old divorcee and decide to settle on anything less than what you want the most. I’m confident that once I’m able to focus on the mission ahead, I’ll be able to fine-tune my vision so others can see it too. I know what I want to make but I’ve been prioritizing making money the slowest way possible instead… like a dumbass. Even though the man in the video below has worked with Donald Trump, he still knows how to money better than I.

I did sell my first piece of art from my website yesterday to someone who reached for her dreams and it worked out wonderfully. So happy she was the first buyer for my art! I must go make my life happen right now… the clock is ticking.

One of my creations that is hibernating in my storage unit.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     10 Minute Stretch

3.     Go For A Walk

4.     Blog Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also)

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.   Sell my car!

7. Repaint my art studio so I will never need to go back again.

8.  Remember to eat. (way too easy to just keep working when you know what you’re working toward.

SONG OF THE DAY

Wax Tailor feat. Aloe Blacc – “Time To Go”2012  No really, it’s time to go. I have to go make my life happen… now.