Day 65 of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 65

Still over here tryna learn how to be a healthy human. I’ve been coughing so much I feel like I’ve been OD’ing on ab workout videos. My creative ideas are flowing like crazy but I must prioritize hydration, nutrition, and overall health over everything. Still not sure how to put that into action when I’m trying to save every penny to move somewhere as soon as possible but I’ll figure this out. Taking a nap before I head into work in hopes I’ll feel more alive when I wake.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Post today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video

7.     Go to work and kick ass

SONG OF THE DAY

FKA Twigs “Hide” 2014 This video is amazing when you’re able to ignore that one of the kids looks like he peed his pants.

Day 64 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 64

I finally let my Sister take my temperature and I realized that I’ve had a fever for four days. I do not remember the last time I checked in on my temperature. I’ve never owned a thermometer (that wasn’t for cooking) as an adult. When I checked this morning, the fever was gone but I am not yet functional. I was disappointed to call in sick to work but it would have been irresponsible to deliver food in this state even if it is technically possible. I tried to be good and not watch any screens last night so I’d have a better chance to fall asleep but that turned into anger/sadness/regret/anger/sadness/regret and so on for eight hours. I eventually fell asleep shortly after I heard my nephew waking up this morning. When I woke up a couple hours later my shirt was soaked through. The job is so easy that I still worked two full shifts while dizzy with a fever but that doesn’t make it right. I really don’t want to write too much today because my optimism is temporarily out of order and the things I’m inspired to write would only express my anger, sadness, and regret. At this time I am most grateful that I have two Sisters that I love more than anything else in this entire universe, that I don’t have to pay my student loans for a year because I’m officially too poor, and that I finally watched Coco this morning.

Stars don’t fit in.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Post today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video

SONG OF THE DAY

Charlotte Day Wilson “Nothing New” 2018

Day 63 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 63

Feeling way better than yesterday and also more ready to tackle my first three goals… for real this time. I have never actually measured how much water I drink but I know it hasn’t been enough. I’m finally hungry again so I’m looking forward to eating all the things, like Kalbi Beef Tacos from Marination. Watching part of Lord Of The Rings did help refill my metaphorical vessel a bit because it was time I did not spend on social media. I wholeheartedly admit that I scroll too much because I like to see what is going on in the world and with the people I’m too in my head to hang out with. The current events with Kavanaugh and Queen Dr. Christine Blasey Ford hit extremely close to home and it hurts too much to see often. Trump and his cronies want us to be divided and sad and it is working too well. Terrified to know what they are distracting us from this time. Anyway, I must take a mini break from Facebook and Twitter (duh Liz) and only use it to promote my own projects for a bit. #justsaynotoscrolling

I’m currently researching how some of our favorite legends/stories began. Specifically, did Tolkien start with a map or a cast of characters or an outline, or did he just start writing? I wonder the same thing about J.K. Rowling, Alan Moore with Watchmen, and pretty much every comic book or series ever. Since Tolkein was an Oxford professor I’m pretty sure he must have already known a ton about the legends he placed in the series and would definitely not have just started writing. At first I wasn’t sure if I would find any useful use for my UW History Degree but some of my favorite authors were History Professors that weaved their historical knowledge in with Fantasy to create incredible results. At some point for school I read a Deborah Harkness (another History Professor) book about London’s Alchemy Community in the 16th Century called The Jewel House that was written so well that I could hardly tell it was a History book. After I graduated, I found the time to read her Fantasy book, A Discovery Of Witches, and I was hooked. I’ve always been curious about the origins of legends and was planning on further researching the topic more while in Europe. I studied King Arthur and I cannot wait to go to Tintagel Castle and Merlin’s Cave even though he is likely a purely fictional character like @TheRingOfDOOM. Fairies, elves, goblins, and other fantastical creatures are also rooted in Europe and I’d love to go take deep breaths in a place where they’re rumored to have existed. History is written by the survivors and sometimes even voted on by the elites of the time (Council Of Nicaea) and we may never know the stories of those who they squashed. The point of all this is I have already created so many elements of @TheRingOfDOOM’s story but haven’t put it all together yet. Over a year ago, I made a list of all the things I had already mentioned on his Instagram and it was six pages long. His story is very visual so it will definitely be a photo-graphic novel (I can’t draw and I want to keep working on my photography skills) and I truly can’t wait to see what I come up with next. Currently daydreaming about the layout of his home planet. It sure will be wicked awesome when I get my shit together enough to actually make this happen. Fortunately, we live in a time when I can publish it myself if I feel so inclined but I’d really love to work with Fantagraphics and/or another publisher with an excellent reputation. Anything is possible if I JUST DOOM IT.

Since I’m still recovering from the sickness and I’m hoping to be closer to full operating mode tomorrow for work, I’m not going to try to do too much today. I’ve never been good at being still and in general the more I do, the better I feel but sleep and relaxation is good, so I’ve heard. All I know for sure is that I drink enough water, eat three meals, and stretch for at least ten minutes, I will feel better tomorrow than I do today. I still have yet to finalize today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video but I have drafted so many over the last few years, these first ones will likely be me clearing out my iMovie to make room for the new stuff. Wonder how long it will take me to ask an actual person to be in one of his movies…

 TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Post today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video

7.     Go for a walk

SONG OF THE DAY

DEPECHE MODE “The World In My Eyes”1990  Violator remains to be one of my favorite albums and this whole blog is pretty much about me wanting to show you the world in my eyes full time.

Day 62 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 62

Today I’m wondering how to refill the metaphorical vessel once it has run dry. Having fabulous adventures usually does it but I can no longer afford to go anywhere. On this day more than others, I’m counting the days until my health insurance kicks in. I’ve been trying to ignore that I’m sick at the moment and just keep on going but that does not work. Pretty sure I’m so dehydrated and malnutritioned that it warrants whatever tube doctors use to rehydrate you and give you the nutrients you need but I’m not rolling like that. No one at work could even tell I was sick because they don’t know me well enough to see the difference. I’m so used to operating in a deficit, I just keep on going even when my body starts shutting itself down. I know I’ve placed myself in a slingshot of my own creation and that I’m pulling myself back so I can spring forward but this cold has me feeling all the pain (physically and emotionally). Gotta keep this one short because my brain hurts today. If I wasn’t writing this daily blog and doing two 100 Day Projects, I may have been lost in Middle Earth all day… will try refilling my vessel with Lord Of The Rings.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Post today’s @TheRingOfDOOM video

SONG OF THE DAY

Enigma “Sadeness” 1990

Day 56 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 56

Due to a wait list win at my first craniosacral therapy appointment (gift from my sister and brother-in-law) later today, I’ll be heading to the ocean tomorrow instead. When this works as it is intended, my body should be able to relax for the first time in decades. Definitely nervous to see how this works but I’m curious to see if it will affect my posture because so much of the work is done around the spinal cord. I’ve been a sloucher as long as I can remember because I’ve been attempting to be invisible. FYI, almost everything I know about craniosacral therapy is due to Googling it a few minutes ago. I wasn’t going to write about it because it seems so personal but it is part of my story so it must be included. The goal of this blog was to share my journey and this is part of it. Fortunately, talking about therapy is more normalized than in previous years and not getting help at this time would keep my growth stunted permanently.

I did get some new @TheRingOfDOOM photos yesterday but for the most part I’m having trouble figuring out what to do with the storyline. Most of the stories I’ve created with him in the past have been written after I got the photos but I believe some of my best work was made when I storyboarded the video first or had a plan for the photo shoot. I had the first page of his photo-graphic novel origin story taped to the wall in my studio for at least six months but never started it because it seems like such an advanced maneuver to actually do it. I love the idea of releasing a graphic novel a chapter at a time in comic book/zine form and then releasing all the chapters at once in book form once there is an audience for it. If I actually create the first few chapters, I’ll have something to send to publishers so I can start the process of getting rejected many times before someone finally decides to run with it. I’m not sure if anyone has made a graphic novel with photos yet but I think it is an amazing idea.

I’m looking forward to the clarity I’ll find by going to this appointment today and field tripping to the ocean tomorrow. The long drives almost always help me to focus on what I need to do the most. That said, I already know that all I need to do is to keep on making stuff every day. I need to get over the fact that I can’t make my storyboarded European miniseries and just keep doing. Still not sure if I want to finish my TheRingOfDOOM Vs. The Vulcan Of Amazonia video because making a video about how the world’s richest man is terrible could make me the enemy of all those who work for him. I’m not here on Earth to make enemies, I’m here to unite people and make them happier. Even with this as my mission, I have somehow created people who don’t like me. A local musician actually blocked me on Twitter because I dared to promote their amazing music and tag them (like I have for hundreds/thousands of others in the last nine years) so no matter what direction I go in, there will be haters… even spreading love and great music. The best thing I can do is to create the art I want to see in the world that only I can make and surround myself with awesome, driven, creative people who actually like me and want to see me succeed.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Finish adding songs to September playlist

7.     Go to craniosacral therapy appointment

8.     Go to Stop Biting at LoFi

9.     Go for a walk in an interesting area and take photos

SONG OF THE DAY

Rhye “Hymn” 2018  New Rhye… love this band.

Day 53 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 53

Today is my orientation and first day of work at the pizza spot. Very excited to have a job with free food again and 59 days until I get to sign up for health and dental insurance. Yesterday I completed 11 of my 13 goals. I did not get all my Instagram photos in and I didn’t make any new @TheRingOfDOOM photos. So far his newest body has only been photographed in my old studio and I really want to make his first photo shoot next level amazing. Perfection is the killer of progress though. Gotta just DOOM it! I made five new photoshopped promo images for yet to be released playlists and travel posts last night and I can’t wait to share them. I realized that I can recycle the thousands of photos I’ve made so far on my previous adventures and still be a latergram travel blogger/photographer. Excited to continue to make photoshop collages, they’re rad because there is no mess to clean up when you’re finished and I can use images of anything for free.

Super excited to start earning money again. I have always been a workaholic but when you know exactly what you’re working toward, it is easier to get through the difficult spots. I’ve really enjoyed writing every day because it helps me to work through my bullshit but also because I’ve always really loved the process. I really hope that others are inspired to speak up about their pain because I know that so many of us are feeling alone in our struggles. Being 100% honest about the epic journeys in our brains will draw all the best people to us and vice versa. Can’t wait to meet a bunch of new people today. It’s always interesting to me to see how long it takes for me to disclose that I almost always have a fictional character and a tiny skateboard with me. I may need to try to push these blogs out faster so I can get more done in a day but I’m grateful for the time I’ve been able to spend on them so far.

I already released @TheRingOfDOOM 00013: CONTEMPTIBLE CAPITOL OF CORRUPTION here on my website today via YouTube and I uploaded it to Facebook last night as well. If I disappear, it is because Cheeto and his cronies are mad at me for making the video… know this. The video was 100% made on my iPhone with footage I gathered in DC while on tour with Dessa and I also included anti-Trump photos from all over the US. I attempted to airdrop it to my laptop so I’d have more options for text but my almost at capacity 2013 Mac is still rejecting the arrival of large video files. I’m getting better with every video so I can’t wait to see what I’ll be making in a month or even a year from now. If we wait to have fancy equipment to make videos/photos, we may be waiting forever. Just DOOM it.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to orientation/work

7.     Work on September playlist

SONG OF THE DAY

Gabriel Teodros feat. Otieno Terry – “Everything Comes To Light”2018 

Day 52 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 52

So much can change in a day if you make it so. In two months my HEALTH AND DENTAL INSURANCE will kick in at my new job delivering pizza at a locally owned spot that does business the right way. Jobs with free food are wicked awesome… especially when you just drop it off and don’t have to wipe up the spills at their feet. Of course it would have been cooler to write a story on dental tourism in Spain but this feels very Sofia Amoruso/Girlboss at this time and I’m more than ready to work my ass off. I already filled out the paperwork and get to start tomorrow; I love it when the hiring process goes so quickly. One of the best things about this job is that the harder I work, the more money I make. So many jobs do not reward efficiency so the slackers I was working alongside would make the same as my overachieving self. My new schedule leaves me with many hours in the day to find a midday job as well so I’m adding researching/applying for dog walking jobs to today’s to do list. This means I’ll be keeping my car until further notice and staying with generous family in the greater Seattle area until I have enough fundage to move into a sublet… which will be sooner than later. I realize this goes back on three of my declarations; wanted to leave Seattle, using my car to make money, working a job just for the $; but I need money like years ago so that’s just the way its gotta be. My support system is here. I used to deliver pizza in the late 90s at a spot in North Lake Tahoe before I had a cell phone and loved it; I’ll make the most of it and get to listen to tons of great music while I’m driving.

I finally sold some boots on eBay that have been sitting in a box unworn for years so today I get to go on a treasure hunt in my storage unit which is currently a hot mess like the rest of me. I’ll still be living out of my suitcase and small backpack for awhile but I will have access to all the rest of my random stuff if I need it. As much as I love making my collages, I’m going to backburner it for a while because I need to take the time to get good at the thing I want to do the most; video. The gig economy makes it tricky to get good at one thing because I’ve had to wear so many hats over the years but I want to be good at creating videos so I’ll put in the work. I’m hesitant to make it a #100DayProject (it would be my fourth) because I know how much work it will be and I’m already hoping to work at least two jobs for a bit. It would be wise to just start that project right now because it really only takes a few minutes to make a video these days… I’ve just talked myself into it. YouTube presence is clutch and exactly where I want to go. The path of happy people I’ve been following AND my long-term obsession with music videos/film have led me right here. I want to set myself up for a balanced life where I have ample time to work my job(s), make art, get enough sleep, eat healthy, and actually have a social life but Seattle doesn’t really work that way if you’re on a delivering pizza level. This job will allow me to make the money I need every month to pay my bills/debts and all the rest can go to setting myself up for the future I most want.

Last night I started working on my shelved Washington DC video again. I had to put it down for a while because DC’s vibe left a horrible taste in my mouth and it hurt my soul to spend too much time thinking about our evil government. One of my career heroes has said that it is bad for business to talk about politics because you can alienate your potential customers but I’ve decided to completely reject that idea to be a good person. This same man also preaches kindness and finding your niche so it seems backwards for him not to openly denounce our sexual predator president and our country’s racist terrorism, especially because he and his family are immigrants and he has women he loves in his life. I won’t name him here because I’d rather have this conversation with him in real life someday and otherwise he seems a great person to have on your team who truly means well. I understand that he is trying to maximize his profits like a good businessman should but if he’s afraid to pick a side in the battle of good vs. evil, then he probably isn’t as good of a person as I hoped he was. If he truly wants to build his business the right way, he would take a stand even if it took him longer to reach his goal. Not speaking up about the wrongs in our society makes him an enabler of the established racist/sexist system and it’s sad that he’s encouraging others to keep their political beliefs to themselves to make money.

@acodd art as seen the night of his show with @leo.shallat & @claude206

I’d much rather work to educate those who are on the wrong team so they can understand that having a president who has openly admitted to grabbing women by the pussy and is a NAZI (among many other evil traits) is the worst possible thing for our country. In no way do I plan on being a political activist but I do have a couple videos on deck that Cheeto-fans will hate me for… including this DC video. I’ve vowed that the next time I see a MAGA hat, I’ll start a conversation with the person about what that means to them and try to remain calm while we talk through how they ended up wearing the symbol of a terrorist on their head and why it hurts my soul and many others to see it...  instead of just scowl at them. I want my life to be about seeking out positivity but so do all the black people that are being terrorized and murdered by police, the children and their parents being detained separately by our government, all the homeless people everywhere that fell victim to capitalism, and all the women who have been mistreated by men (including myself). I still plan to focus on making people smile and shining light on artists making the world a better place but it ALWAYS makes me smile to see people standing up to the evil in our society and we need heroes more than ever. Facing our demons head on is important for survival.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Finish this blog

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Go to storage unit to get sold eBay boots, work pants, etc.

7.     Finish my hire packet for tomorrow’s orientation

8.     Get Direct Deposit form ready from BECU to bring to tomorrow’s orientation

9.     Reprove I’m broke w/ tax return info I find in storage unit so I can pay low payments on my student loans for another year.

10.  Post 1 video on YouTube & promote

11.  Mail boots I sold on eBay

12.  Apply for dog walker jobs

13.  Take at least one new @TheRingOfDOOM photo, his new body has yet to be photographed outside.

SONG OF THE DAY

Florence + The Machine “Dog Days Are Over” 2009   I have tons of respect for Florence, her Machine, and her art but I hated seeing corporate advertisements for her latest album wheatpasted all over New York. This song remains beautiful no matter how I feel about corporate Street Art.

Day 51 of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 51

When it is truly time for me to quit caffeine my body doesn’t make me suffer from withdrawals. Still no headaches and it’s my third day without coffee! I remain with out a concrete plan but now that I am staying in the US for a while I can start selling stuff on the internet again. Because I have such odd tastes, I have gone into debt with my eBay venture so far but I can turn it around if I make it a priority. Most of my belongings are only valuable to me but it’s worth a shot. I’ll also be taking my art back out of my storage unit and attempting to sell it again. It would be wise if I also did some work on my Hip Hop Crossword Puzzle Book so it can be closer to being something I can actually release into the world; Hip Hop publications may be interested in it if I can present it the right way.

Today my plan is to finish applying for a freelance writing job that would have me interviewing professional photographers to get their tips on how to make iPhone photos better. This would be rad because it would help me get better at what I’m hoping to do with my life and give me a reason to reach out to some of my favorite people. I’ll also seek out more jobs I’d be able to do from the road as well as reach out to the team I worked for at Bumbershoot to find out where the hell my damn check is. I’ll also be getting a deposit back on my art studio eventually but not for a few weeks. Other than the credit cards I’m not supposed to pay for my debt relief program, I have not paid a late bill yet. But today when I checked my email I was bummed to find out that my evil corporate bank took it’s under $1000 balance $14 fee from my account leaving me in the negative. Unfortunately, so that I can pay my debt relief payment tomorrow, I’ll be taking a cash advance from my surviving credit card and putting it right back into the same bank to cover the withdrawal IF I don’t receive my Bumbershoot check. I could breathe for like two days if that check showed up today but I’d still need to figure out how to make money fast.

Still can’t relax like it is recommended for people in my shoes because how the hell are you supposed to relax when your depression has driven you this far into debt and you’re putting yourself further into debt to cover your debts. Delivering pizza in the late 90s and using my car to make money in recent years has shown me that you almost always make more money if you’re not putting miles on your own vehicle. Ideally, the jobs I find TODAY will be the kind of jobs that will allow me to work remotely so that I can set myself up for the life I want.

Even though I already knew this, it would be wise for me to stop looking at Facebook and Twitter and use them only to promote my work. For a while I had removed the Facebook app from my phone but because I didn’t have my own wifi, I ended up reinstalling it so I could save my hotspot data. For some dumb reason, I still punish myself by reading into vague comments written by people I’ve never really been friends with and feel like it is a personal attack on myself. I know I’m not the only one who does this self-destructive act but I need to knock that shit off. If it is true that people are making fun of me for writing about my depression and for not being able to achieve my dream of getting on a plane a few days ago, these people likely need help with their own problems and it would mean that I have actual haters. If I have haters, I’m doing something right. Awesome. Whether these people are making fun of me or not, it is a waste of time to even think about them for one second of the day. Fortunately, I also see the ways that people I know and don’t know seem to be helping me along my path and I’m looking forward to telling them how they got me through my dark times… once I’ve figured out a way to move through them. I do hope that the people who have truly helped me over the years are not misinterpreting my writing to think that I do not appreciate their efforts. Many of the people I’ve worked for in the past have gone out of their way to create opportunities for me and I hope to be a success soon so I can repay them in my own weird ways.

In the recent weeks, I’ve given up ALL of my vices. None of them are good for me AND they cost money I don’t have. Coffee is over. I haven’t OD’d on sugar for weeks. I am blessed to be in a good place with alcohol so I’ve only had 2-3 free drinks of leftover wine from my sister and brother-in-law’s fridge in the last few weeks. I’ve also not smoked any weed for five days. I have no intention of quitting smoking weed forever because it is the healthiest of all the vices and it does help to calm my overactive brain sometimes but at this time it’s not working for me; it is legal here in Washington State so I’m not breaking any laws by consuming it. When I quit smoking weed, I start remembering my dreams which is usually uncomfortable at first. Almost all of my dreams are some form of the Alaskan Hotel Employee housing I lived in for three summers in my late teens/early twenties and last night’s dream was no different. This time, however, there were new people in the dream that I didn’t realize I missed so much and/or would love to get to know better.

A few years ago, I attempted to buy a Sprinter van. Of course, I was denied because I was already in debt and still had an upside down car loan with only small paychecks coming in from my over-full-time job BUT a few months later I was offered a job driving an even nicer Sprinter van around the country. I had seen the vision of myself driving around the country with musicians in a Sprinter van and it eventually came true. I know I will get paid to go to Europe sooner than I think if I do all the things I already know must be done to make it happen. I’ve already signaled to the universe that this is what I want and got so frickin’ close. If I had gotten the Bumbershoot check earlier, I would be in Bristol right now struggling to find a way to earn money. My To Do list remains the same no matter where I am because I want to learn how to work remotely. I must start Instagramming again so I can remain on the radar of those who can help make the trip happen AND write @TheRingOfDOOM’s origin story that no one else can. I will be at Tintagel Castle in the UK next to King Arthur’s statue near Merlin’s Cave sooner than I think and it will be fucking awesome. I will be at Giant’s Causeway in Northern Ireland creating my own @TheRingOfDOOM legends after learning more about its legacy from the locals shortly after I show the world what I can do when my head is clear enough. One step at a time will get me there eventually as long as I keep on going.

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     Stretch at least 10 minutes (I have not been doing this)

3.     Eat three meals

4.     Finish applying for freelance writing job and apply for more

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Finish this blog

7.     Make Photoshopped Icon for September Spotify List

8.     Go to storage unit to get art to list for sale and see if I have anything else people might want to buy.

9.     Brainstorm new @TheRingOfDOOM Patreon video.

SONG OF THE DAY

Sevdaliza “Hear My Pain Heal” 2017

Day 50 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible.

Day 50

It is hard to know what to do with myself all day. Yesterday I ended up sleeping all day because I had only gotten a few hours of sleep the night before due to coffee abuse/anxiety. I know I’m supposed to be nice to myself right now but it’s hard not to feel that the nicest thing I can do for myself is to seek out ways to earn money all day. My stomach is still jacked up from not eating full meals for so long and anxiety about what I’ll make happen next. I’m on Day 2 of no coffee and because my routine is so off, I almost forgot to write this blog this morning. I lack the ability to relax and feel good about it because it feels irresponsible to do anything other than pursue money when you’re in debt. I do not want my life to be about the pursuit of money so it’s a tricky one.

I’ve been researching work to live opportunities all over the world, national park jobs with employee housing, as well as media jobs in New York. I have never had an office media job before but I would love the opportunity to impress people on a global level even if I need to purchase a whole new wardrobe with money I don’t have to do so. Moving somewhere will not change the contents of my brain but it would separate me from those who have taken advantage of my kindness in the past. I used to work seasonally (ski resorts in winter/marinas, summer camps, Alaskan hotels etc. in the summer) and I’d love to do that again if I can create the right opportunity for myself. It was a great way to learn about a new place from the locals, save money, and to meet tons of like-minded people from all over the world. It would be a completely different experience as a 40 year old but I’m willing to give it a shot. I would work almost any (legal) job anywhere in the world aside from Seattle but I still believe that my @TheRingOfDOOM idea will be the way I help the most people (myself included) once I’m able to focus my energy on it. International work visas cost more than I currently have but there are some rad opportunities out there like working at the hostel near Giant’s Causeway in Northern Ireland, working for a European festival company that runs events like the Running Of The Bulls and Oktoberfest, infinite freelance travel writing jobs, and tons of opportunities I have yet to research.

I really don’t know what direction to take this blog anymore and I’ve definitely thought about retiring it but then there would be zero chance to help others… still trying to help others even when I’m not sure how to help myself. My creativity is squashed by long-term struggle mode at this time but I must find a way to turn this broken heart into art or something useful. I still want to be a travel blogger but I can’t afford to travel and I have yet to find a way to monetize the music blog I started in 2009 or this website so I have a long ways to go (pun 100% intended). I’d still love to go back on tour with more good-hearted musicians if the pay was a living wage. This workaholic is in serious need of a mentor. I still believe all the things I want to do are possible but I’ll need to be more patient to make them happen in the best way. 

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water +

2.     Eat three meals

3.     Stretch at least 10 minutes

4.     Apply for at least three jobs in other states

5.     More research on how to use my creativity to make a living

6.     Finish this blog.

SONG OF THE DAY

Sevdaliza – “Soul Syncable” 2018

Day 47 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 47

This morning was a tough one because I knew I’d have to tell whoever was reading this that I did not complete either of my big goals for the day. I sat outside BECU and fielded emails, texts, and calls from strangers until it became obvious that no one was coming. By this time, I was ridiculously hungry, defeated, and heartbroken at the realization that I do not have the skills to do this alone. It’s 100% true that I do not know how to sell a car to a stranger because I don’t know all the ways they could take advantage of my kindness and inexperience. Purchasing the car was not a solo mission, owning the car should never have been a solo mission, and releasing the car is unfortunately no different. My youngest sister helped me to realize that I needed to remove the blockages in my way as soon as possible so instead of painting my studio yesterday afternoon, I came back to my sister and brother-in-law’s house and dug a much-needed metaphorical shovel into my head. I learned that I still feel the sharp pain of those who I wronged me in the past and that I’ve stunted my growth severely by not tackling this sooner.

The saddest part of my new fear of a Craigslist predator AND the recent theft of my credit card information is that it became obvious that I must look for the worst in people and be wary of ways I can be taken advantage of… the exact opposite of my default. It is easy for me to seek out the best in people and truly feel sorry for those who have chosen a path that requires them to seek out the unsavory parts of life. I fear they may look for the worst within themselves also and that is a terrible way to live life. For most of my own life, I’ve unknowingly been dealing with the residual shame issues from my childhood trauma. When I’m around those whose sole purpose in life is to look for the worst in people, they cause me to project exactly what I believe they are looking for… even when its not there. When combined with my tendency to retreat into my own head, this has resulted in me being misunderstood by most. It will take me awhile to know exactly how to deal with my own personal traumas but I recognize the issue and am taking steps towards managing it.

It is obvious to anyone paying attention (myself included) that all of my troubles are rooted in my lack of self worth. I could not be more aware that I am more privileged than billions of other humans and I am ashamed that I have not yet learned how to wrangle it into something that can help others or keep myself afloat. I recognize that the roots of this are not my fault but it is my fault that I have not tackled them earlier. Because I have been afraid to do the things at the top of my list for years, my growth was stunted and I was not able to take advantage of opportunities right in front of my face. I wholeheartedly believe that all the time I spent alone over the last six years was worth every penny I invested in it. Even though the solitude has become toxic, it enabled me to recognize exactly what I want to do with my life and to recognize the blockades I placed in my own way. I understand that what I aim to do makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable… and that is okay. I am beginning a venture that will change a lot of lives for the better in a way that I have yet to be able to communicate. I am starting this adventure from a the bottom of the hole I dug for myself by not reaching for the vines of technology and actual humans that surround me sooner.

It is true that I allowed myself to be led around by others in the past, so much so that I never even considered what my passions were until after I got divorced six years ago. It is true that I did not stand up for myself and ask for more money when I needed it the most because I felt so lucky to be there… until I didn’t. It is true that I allowed an evil music corporation to break my heart, drive me into depression, and to live a life where most of my belongings are in storage for almost two years. I found out recently that AEG is actually so terrible that if I submit my paystubs, I will get a check for the amount of money they officially screwed me out of via tax fraud. These are the people I trusted with my career and when I was working almost every single day, I still never had enough to pay for the car I needed to do the job. Because I had the audacity to try to live alone AND own the car I used for work, I had to move out of my apartment because Bezosian Rent Warfare and overachieving for AEG drove me severely into debt. I wanted to please them so badly that I never asked for the money they owed me on multiple occasions and still have not because I only want to look forward. This cemented the fact that I MUST figure out a way for myself and the artists I love to work around the evil predators who have us by the wallets. Example… I saved hundreds of dollars so far by purchasing a big can of Kroger coffee. Yes it feels good to save money but to do so I voted with my wallet for an evil corporation and did not support any of the local coffee roasters doing business the right way; plus I drank terrible coffee every day and ingested whatever poisons they put on the coffee plants.

For some reason, writing this paragraph has me shook because it has the power to literally remove the largest block I’ve put in front of me. I remain on my mission to change the world in the best way with @TheRingOfDOOM because this is the direct route out of the darkness I’ve been stuck in. I remain confident that this Europe trip will help me to create opportunities for myself and others to break out of the struggle mode that has prevented us from reaching our greatest potential. I remain confident that this trip will go so well that I will learn how to create income while traveling in the next week. I am no longer confident that tackling all of life’s challenges alone is a good idea. I have seen the light through the darkness and am stepping towards it every day but it is time to reach for those around me who do care enough to help. That’s it. That’s the thing that has been stopping me from accomplishing my dreams and preventing me from creating relationships with the people I admire the most. Yes, I SHOULD have recognized this years ago but I didn’t. I recognize it now and I MUST use this knowledge to grow into the person I can be. I SHOULD keep this to myself so that I can better deflect bad energy but I MUST find my strength and inspire others to reach out of the darkness as well. I MUST crack off the protective shell caging me into my comfort zone so I don’t remain inside it forever. Right now this shell is a 2012 Subaru Outback that has caused me to pursue money instead of seek out love; I need help cracking the shell.

I could probably write about this all day long but I’ve already been writing for over two hours. It is time for me to tie up all the loose ends of Seattle so I can depart tomorrow afternoon and seek out guidance from those who do want to help. For myself and all of those who believe their dreams are I’mPossible, I will use this momentum to carry me forward. It is the only option. 

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     10 Minute Stretch

3.     Go For A Walk

4.     Blog Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also) - LISBON

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.   Start a load of laundry, eat, shower.

7.   Get supplies to paint my art studio.

8.   Paint the studio while absorbing the life lessons of those who have traveled this path already.

9.    Reach out for back up about selling my car.

10.   Pack my suitcase with clean clothes and run directly towards the light.

SONG OF THE DAY

Blockhead “The Music Scene” 2009  Fall down 1000 times, get up 1001 times.