Day 48
Words cannot describe how much I would have loved to get on a plane in a few hours. Every plan for my whole life centered around making this trip happen today; had I known I wouldn’t be able to pull it off, I may not have started this blog and shared myself crashing into this wall of childhood trauma. I can only hope that by continuing to be honest with myself and the few people that do read this, I’ll be able to inspire them to do things the right way as well. I am still 100% intent on Achieving The I’mPossible but I have a lifetime of unfinished internal work that needs to be done before I can even get close to my infinite potential. There are so many reasons why I did not go… the most blatant being that I only have $50 to my name right now and a combined total of approximately $40,000 in debt. I know what needed to be done to make it happen but I did not do it because I was scared to reach out. Due to my trust issues and my long history of working for people who have not compensated me fairly (cause and effect?), I’m resistant to reach out to anyone when I need something. When any of us need money as much as most of us do, we all settle for less than we deserve. This is the way the fixed system is supposed to work. I have definitely worked for some great people with beautiful intentions over the last few years but none of them were able to pay me a living wage; I still hold those people close to my heart even if the feeling is not mutual. I could not be more sure that creating opportunities for artists all over the world to break out of struggle mode is the best possible plan for my life. Unfortunately, I have been operating in struggle mode myself for so long that the courage I must find to make it happen is buried under decades of unaddressed issues.
One of my favorite @TheRingOfDOOM photos.
Had I already received my Bumbershoot check, I might be getting on the plane today. I’d still be broke but I’d be in the place I most want to be and be surrounded by interesting people and have tons of new things to photograph. I will never know if my epic plan would have worked because it never truly began. My delusional optimism led me to believe that I’d be creating such good content that someone would offer me an advance on a photo book deal, a travel show, or a much needed opportunity to learn; I did not make this content because I was too lost in my own head to do it. I have resolved to address my childhood traumas and figure out how to live a healthy life but at this exact moment I am a 40 year old single woman, buried in debt, with only $50 that has already been spoken for, and a fractured heart. I would be homeless right now if my family wasn’t offering me a place to sleep. I weeped my way through painting the art studio I’ve been squatting in for ten months (that made me even more depressed instead of saving me money) last night and talked to my Dad for the first time in too long. He pointed out I was not being kind to myself by trying to assemble my best life in such a short amount of time and that attempting to tackle buried childhood traumas in the days before I leave on a two-month solo I’mPossible mission is a terrible idea. If I’m not being kind to myself, no one else will either. I cannot save the world by sharing messages of love with an underground Hip Hop soundtrack if I can’t figure out how to make enough money to eat three meals a day.
The same three people who inspired me to think this big have all mentioned that getting our heads right must be the first step in any situation. Because I have a tendency to see what I want to see OR because so many of us are struggling with the same issues, it often feels like they’re addressing me directly in their podcasts, videos, and social media posts. I’ve been studying these three people for at least two years (or more in one case) so I know how to tackle creating the career I want but I still have no idea how to tackle the root of all my failures that is preventing me from suiting up for the game of life. Knowing the problem does not solve it but it is the first step. Shoutout to Chase Jarvis, Tim Ferriss, and Gary Vaynerchuk for all the inspiration and guidance. I have so much love for these people even though we’ve never met and I would leap towards a mentorship or job with them or any other person whose intention is to help their employees live their best lives.
I truly want my life to be a good story. Fortunately, the best stories have a ton of conflict and obstacles for the main character to learn from. Yes, going to Bristol to drink the water and have a transformation is a fucking awesome story but I’m not in a position to tell it at this time. I created an entire universe for a character I made out of clay and I will tell the story when the time is right. I’ll continue to develop the legacy of @TheRingOfDOOM on Instagram and my website (and many other ways) but this exact miniseries will have to wait. The photo-graphic novel WILL be amazing once I get the clarity but at this time I am not in a position to work solely on my creative ventures even though it is all I see for my future. The story of a woman who is tackling her issues head on so she can live her best life is relatable to at least half of the world and that is currently my story. I wanted to seek out messages of love all over the world because I have not truly found the love of self I need to survive this crazy world. The Messages Of Love photo book WILL be something that will bring joy to people’s lives but I cannot make it happen on $50 total when my bills every month are $1200 (without paying any rent).
I was hoping to make epic shit happen in Bristol TOMORROW but instead I will make epic shit happen in my own head every day until I’ve reached the light. Because my goal is to figure out how to work remotely and to be creative, I can literally do this from anywhere in the world WHEN I’m able to truly begin. I wanted to set myself up for my best life in the $295 art studio I just moved out of but the effects of living somewhere I wasn’t supposed with no kitchen or shower made me too depressed to figure out how to make enough money to eat. I prioritized paying my bills over all else and I still ended up starting a debt relief program. In the last few weeks, I wanted to save all my money for bills so I ended up being too hungry to go on the long photography walks I love so much and without the gas money to drive anywhere. One cannot live on nuts, cheese, and Clif Bars if they hope to be clear-headed and healthy enough to walk 10 miles a day.
I do not know what will happen next but I’ll continue to write anyway because I can still inspire people to live their best life even if I’m not at Giant’s Causeway filming an episode of my travel miniseries on my phone. The people we love most on this planet have been brave enough to share their troubles and souls with us. We are all divided if we are stuck in our own head and we must work together to find our common ground if we’re to overthrow the demons in our own heads and in our government. They want us to be poor and needy so we’ll accept the meager wages being offered to us and do as we’re told but I cannot do that anymore. I allowed myself to remain broken and I never tried to fix me until now. I have no idea how to do it but as with most things, hard work, patience, reaching out, and watching how-to-videos on YouTube will help us learn what we need to learn. I WILL find a way to earn a sustainable income in a way that I’m not morally opposed to soon by working smarter AND harder and share it with you as it’s happening.
TODAY’S GOALS
1. Drink 64 oz. water
2. 10 Minute Stretch
3. Go For A Walk
4. Blog Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also)
5. 2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool
6. Hang out with a friend and talk about the realest shit.
SONG OF THE DAY
Air – “Universal Traveler” 2004 I’ll be traveling through the universes of my brain until further notice.