Day 49
Still here attempting to suppress the constant state of panic about my financial situation and how to best handle my multi-tiered trauma extravaganza but I’ve already taken some steps toward addressing the problems. The fact that I’m still waiting on a direly needed paycheck does not help the matter at all but I will get through it. I am waiting to hear back about my eligibility on low-income therapy sessions (even though my previous attempts led to more trauma; fall down 1000 times… get up 1001 times) and I’ve resolved to quit caffeine again. [Update: the widespread Bezosian Rent Warfare and our evil government have caused so many Seattleites to reach out for assistance that it would be 2-3 months before I could have my first appointment at this place.] My super-money-saving $5.99 can of coffee still lives on but I must break up with it because it won’t do a thing for the constant pounding in my chest. We’re broken up, it’s over; I will no longer be caffeine’s bitch. I’m going to start dating Sleepytime Tea for a while instead in hopes it will chill me the fuck out.
@TheRingOfDOOM’s newest body cooking in my toaster oven.
It feels irresponsible to not spend my whole day seeking out ways to earn large chunks of money but my family has advised me to try to focus on drinking enough water, eating healthy food, and resting instead. I would go back to sleep right now (only two hours of sleep because my mind is sprinting in circles) but because I am so broke at this exact moment I must go out into the world to pull $40 out of one bank’s ATM to put it directly in another so I can pay the bills due tomorrow. There are millions of people in my same situation and it helps to remember that I am luckier than most because I can stay with family for a short time when I need it most… like right now. I still have a really expensive car I can sleep in but it won’t come to that. I’ve already tried living in my car and it is terrible unless I can stay in the mountains all day and have enough food. That said, living in my car only serves to compound my problems, does nothing to solve them, and renders me useless when attempting to deal with the rest of the world. I’m also a white lady whose demons are mostly internal and I am extremely fortunate I don’t have centuries of racist assholes terrorizing myself and others that look similar to me… except of course for the white men in suits that terrorize us all and the men that have been taking advantage of women since forever. I could not be more grateful for what I do have but that doesn’t make the pain go away or manage any of the issues.
I know that I’ll still be able to achieve my I’mPossible dream of taking @TheRingOfDOOM back to Europe and that it will be even better because I will have taken all the steps needed to make it happen in the best way. Attempting to leap too far in a single bound when I am broken is setting myself up for failure and if I’m truly trying to be kind to myself, I will take the time to do things right. My favorite thing I did yesterday was say no to an offer of day-drinking and being high all day (fortunately, not hard at all for me at all) and instead reach out to two (so many more to go) of the organizations I’ve been putting off for too long and eat the healthiest meal I’ve had since I was in New York early-July. I understand that these people may not ever respond but it was a great step either way. I’m getting better at communicating my vision for @TheRingOfDOOM but that is 100% subjective. I have yet to figure out how to announce on his Instagram that we did not wake up in Bristol today as planned but there are infinite hilarious/entertaining ways to do that.
My list of goals for the day will be shorter so that I can easily accomplish them all and feel like a winner.
TODAY’S GOALS
1. Drink 64 oz. Water
2. Eat three meals
3. Finish this blog post
4. Take a nap
5. Go move $40 from one bank’s ATM to another so I can cover the bills due tomorrow leaving me with approximately $12.
6. Hope my paycheck shows up.
SONG OF THE DAY
Mac DeMarco – “Chamber Of Reflection” 2014