Day 47
This morning was a tough one because I knew I’d have to tell whoever was reading this that I did not complete either of my big goals for the day. I sat outside BECU and fielded emails, texts, and calls from strangers until it became obvious that no one was coming. By this time, I was ridiculously hungry, defeated, and heartbroken at the realization that I do not have the skills to do this alone. It’s 100% true that I do not know how to sell a car to a stranger because I don’t know all the ways they could take advantage of my kindness and inexperience. Purchasing the car was not a solo mission, owning the car should never have been a solo mission, and releasing the car is unfortunately no different. My youngest sister helped me to realize that I needed to remove the blockages in my way as soon as possible so instead of painting my studio yesterday afternoon, I came back to my sister and brother-in-law’s house and dug a much-needed metaphorical shovel into my head. I learned that I still feel the sharp pain of those who I wronged me in the past and that I’ve stunted my growth severely by not tackling this sooner.
The saddest part of my new fear of a Craigslist predator AND the recent theft of my credit card information is that it became obvious that I must look for the worst in people and be wary of ways I can be taken advantage of… the exact opposite of my default. It is easy for me to seek out the best in people and truly feel sorry for those who have chosen a path that requires them to seek out the unsavory parts of life. I fear they may look for the worst within themselves also and that is a terrible way to live life. For most of my own life, I’ve unknowingly been dealing with the residual shame issues from my childhood trauma. When I’m around those whose sole purpose in life is to look for the worst in people, they cause me to project exactly what I believe they are looking for… even when its not there. When combined with my tendency to retreat into my own head, this has resulted in me being misunderstood by most. It will take me awhile to know exactly how to deal with my own personal traumas but I recognize the issue and am taking steps towards managing it.
It is obvious to anyone paying attention (myself included) that all of my troubles are rooted in my lack of self worth. I could not be more aware that I am more privileged than billions of other humans and I am ashamed that I have not yet learned how to wrangle it into something that can help others or keep myself afloat. I recognize that the roots of this are not my fault but it is my fault that I have not tackled them earlier. Because I have been afraid to do the things at the top of my list for years, my growth was stunted and I was not able to take advantage of opportunities right in front of my face. I wholeheartedly believe that all the time I spent alone over the last six years was worth every penny I invested in it. Even though the solitude has become toxic, it enabled me to recognize exactly what I want to do with my life and to recognize the blockades I placed in my own way. I understand that what I aim to do makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable… and that is okay. I am beginning a venture that will change a lot of lives for the better in a way that I have yet to be able to communicate. I am starting this adventure from a the bottom of the hole I dug for myself by not reaching for the vines of technology and actual humans that surround me sooner.
It is true that I allowed myself to be led around by others in the past, so much so that I never even considered what my passions were until after I got divorced six years ago. It is true that I did not stand up for myself and ask for more money when I needed it the most because I felt so lucky to be there… until I didn’t. It is true that I allowed an evil music corporation to break my heart, drive me into depression, and to live a life where most of my belongings are in storage for almost two years. I found out recently that AEG is actually so terrible that if I submit my paystubs, I will get a check for the amount of money they officially screwed me out of via tax fraud. These are the people I trusted with my career and when I was working almost every single day, I still never had enough to pay for the car I needed to do the job. Because I had the audacity to try to live alone AND own the car I used for work, I had to move out of my apartment because Bezosian Rent Warfare and overachieving for AEG drove me severely into debt. I wanted to please them so badly that I never asked for the money they owed me on multiple occasions and still have not because I only want to look forward. This cemented the fact that I MUST figure out a way for myself and the artists I love to work around the evil predators who have us by the wallets. Example… I saved hundreds of dollars so far by purchasing a big can of Kroger coffee. Yes it feels good to save money but to do so I voted with my wallet for an evil corporation and did not support any of the local coffee roasters doing business the right way; plus I drank terrible coffee every day and ingested whatever poisons they put on the coffee plants.
For some reason, writing this paragraph has me shook because it has the power to literally remove the largest block I’ve put in front of me. I remain on my mission to change the world in the best way with @TheRingOfDOOM because this is the direct route out of the darkness I’ve been stuck in. I remain confident that this Europe trip will help me to create opportunities for myself and others to break out of the struggle mode that has prevented us from reaching our greatest potential. I remain confident that this trip will go so well that I will learn how to create income while traveling in the next week. I am no longer confident that tackling all of life’s challenges alone is a good idea. I have seen the light through the darkness and am stepping towards it every day but it is time to reach for those around me who do care enough to help. That’s it. That’s the thing that has been stopping me from accomplishing my dreams and preventing me from creating relationships with the people I admire the most. Yes, I SHOULD have recognized this years ago but I didn’t. I recognize it now and I MUST use this knowledge to grow into the person I can be. I SHOULD keep this to myself so that I can better deflect bad energy but I MUST find my strength and inspire others to reach out of the darkness as well. I MUST crack off the protective shell caging me into my comfort zone so I don’t remain inside it forever. Right now this shell is a 2012 Subaru Outback that has caused me to pursue money instead of seek out love; I need help cracking the shell.
I could probably write about this all day long but I’ve already been writing for over two hours. It is time for me to tie up all the loose ends of Seattle so I can depart tomorrow afternoon and seek out guidance from those who do want to help. For myself and all of those who believe their dreams are I’mPossible, I will use this momentum to carry me forward. It is the only option.
TODAY’S GOALS
1. Drink 64 oz. water
2. 10 Minute Stretch
3. Go For A Walk
4. Blog Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also) - LISBON
5. 2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool
6. Start a load of laundry, eat, shower.
7. Get supplies to paint my art studio.
8. Paint the studio while absorbing the life lessons of those who have traveled this path already.
9. Reach out for back up about selling my car.
10. Pack my suitcase with clean clothes and run directly towards the light.
SONG OF THE DAY
Blockhead “The Music Scene” 2009 Fall down 1000 times, get up 1001 times.