Day 47 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 47

This morning was a tough one because I knew I’d have to tell whoever was reading this that I did not complete either of my big goals for the day. I sat outside BECU and fielded emails, texts, and calls from strangers until it became obvious that no one was coming. By this time, I was ridiculously hungry, defeated, and heartbroken at the realization that I do not have the skills to do this alone. It’s 100% true that I do not know how to sell a car to a stranger because I don’t know all the ways they could take advantage of my kindness and inexperience. Purchasing the car was not a solo mission, owning the car should never have been a solo mission, and releasing the car is unfortunately no different. My youngest sister helped me to realize that I needed to remove the blockages in my way as soon as possible so instead of painting my studio yesterday afternoon, I came back to my sister and brother-in-law’s house and dug a much-needed metaphorical shovel into my head. I learned that I still feel the sharp pain of those who I wronged me in the past and that I’ve stunted my growth severely by not tackling this sooner.

The saddest part of my new fear of a Craigslist predator AND the recent theft of my credit card information is that it became obvious that I must look for the worst in people and be wary of ways I can be taken advantage of… the exact opposite of my default. It is easy for me to seek out the best in people and truly feel sorry for those who have chosen a path that requires them to seek out the unsavory parts of life. I fear they may look for the worst within themselves also and that is a terrible way to live life. For most of my own life, I’ve unknowingly been dealing with the residual shame issues from my childhood trauma. When I’m around those whose sole purpose in life is to look for the worst in people, they cause me to project exactly what I believe they are looking for… even when its not there. When combined with my tendency to retreat into my own head, this has resulted in me being misunderstood by most. It will take me awhile to know exactly how to deal with my own personal traumas but I recognize the issue and am taking steps towards managing it.

It is obvious to anyone paying attention (myself included) that all of my troubles are rooted in my lack of self worth. I could not be more aware that I am more privileged than billions of other humans and I am ashamed that I have not yet learned how to wrangle it into something that can help others or keep myself afloat. I recognize that the roots of this are not my fault but it is my fault that I have not tackled them earlier. Because I have been afraid to do the things at the top of my list for years, my growth was stunted and I was not able to take advantage of opportunities right in front of my face. I wholeheartedly believe that all the time I spent alone over the last six years was worth every penny I invested in it. Even though the solitude has become toxic, it enabled me to recognize exactly what I want to do with my life and to recognize the blockades I placed in my own way. I understand that what I aim to do makes a lot of people feel uncomfortable… and that is okay. I am beginning a venture that will change a lot of lives for the better in a way that I have yet to be able to communicate. I am starting this adventure from a the bottom of the hole I dug for myself by not reaching for the vines of technology and actual humans that surround me sooner.

It is true that I allowed myself to be led around by others in the past, so much so that I never even considered what my passions were until after I got divorced six years ago. It is true that I did not stand up for myself and ask for more money when I needed it the most because I felt so lucky to be there… until I didn’t. It is true that I allowed an evil music corporation to break my heart, drive me into depression, and to live a life where most of my belongings are in storage for almost two years. I found out recently that AEG is actually so terrible that if I submit my paystubs, I will get a check for the amount of money they officially screwed me out of via tax fraud. These are the people I trusted with my career and when I was working almost every single day, I still never had enough to pay for the car I needed to do the job. Because I had the audacity to try to live alone AND own the car I used for work, I had to move out of my apartment because Bezosian Rent Warfare and overachieving for AEG drove me severely into debt. I wanted to please them so badly that I never asked for the money they owed me on multiple occasions and still have not because I only want to look forward. This cemented the fact that I MUST figure out a way for myself and the artists I love to work around the evil predators who have us by the wallets. Example… I saved hundreds of dollars so far by purchasing a big can of Kroger coffee. Yes it feels good to save money but to do so I voted with my wallet for an evil corporation and did not support any of the local coffee roasters doing business the right way; plus I drank terrible coffee every day and ingested whatever poisons they put on the coffee plants.

For some reason, writing this paragraph has me shook because it has the power to literally remove the largest block I’ve put in front of me. I remain on my mission to change the world in the best way with @TheRingOfDOOM because this is the direct route out of the darkness I’ve been stuck in. I remain confident that this Europe trip will help me to create opportunities for myself and others to break out of the struggle mode that has prevented us from reaching our greatest potential. I remain confident that this trip will go so well that I will learn how to create income while traveling in the next week. I am no longer confident that tackling all of life’s challenges alone is a good idea. I have seen the light through the darkness and am stepping towards it every day but it is time to reach for those around me who do care enough to help. That’s it. That’s the thing that has been stopping me from accomplishing my dreams and preventing me from creating relationships with the people I admire the most. Yes, I SHOULD have recognized this years ago but I didn’t. I recognize it now and I MUST use this knowledge to grow into the person I can be. I SHOULD keep this to myself so that I can better deflect bad energy but I MUST find my strength and inspire others to reach out of the darkness as well. I MUST crack off the protective shell caging me into my comfort zone so I don’t remain inside it forever. Right now this shell is a 2012 Subaru Outback that has caused me to pursue money instead of seek out love; I need help cracking the shell.

I could probably write about this all day long but I’ve already been writing for over two hours. It is time for me to tie up all the loose ends of Seattle so I can depart tomorrow afternoon and seek out guidance from those who do want to help. For myself and all of those who believe their dreams are I’mPossible, I will use this momentum to carry me forward. It is the only option. 

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     10 Minute Stretch

3.     Go For A Walk

4.     Blog Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also) - LISBON

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.   Start a load of laundry, eat, shower.

7.   Get supplies to paint my art studio.

8.   Paint the studio while absorbing the life lessons of those who have traveled this path already.

9.    Reach out for back up about selling my car.

10.   Pack my suitcase with clean clothes and run directly towards the light.

SONG OF THE DAY

Blockhead “The Music Scene” 2009  Fall down 1000 times, get up 1001 times.

Day 41 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 41

The best thing I could have done yesterday was listen to my brain and I couldn’t be happier that I took the time to do so. Over the next few days, I will be moving out of the 10x10 foot box I’ve created some of my best art in and releasing many of the material possessions that have been difficult to both keep and let go of. One week from today, my life will have changed dramatically because I took many steps to not only figure out what I believe will help me live my best life but to also take steps directly towards it. In 2018, there are opportunities that our 1998 selves would perceive as unfathomable and impossible. We now live in a time where we can literally reach people all over the world in seconds by just tapping our fingers on a screen. Those who have studied this technology as it has emerged have figured out how to wrangle social media into a means to break themselves out of hourly pay struggle mode and create careers based around the things they love the most. Since 2009, I’ve been utilizing social media and the rest of the internet to show the world the music, art, and people that inspire me the most. My internet footprint led to experiences light years beyond what I once felt was possible for me and changed my life 1000%.

Me on the day I tied myself to this beautiful Subaru six years ago. I'm a completely different person now. 

You can believe whatever you want but yesterday’s New Moon brought great change to all of our lives, myself included. One of the lessons I’ve had to keep relearning my 40 years on this Earth is that the first and easiest option that presents itself is usually not the best choice. Three great examples for you; 1) It would have been very easy to stay working at Whole Foods as a cashier and move my way up to financial stability slowly with health insurance and a 401K but I chose to cash in that 401K and start working in the music industry instead. It was the best move I could have ever made. 2) The first guy that wanted to be my boyfriend was a total douche and it would have been easy to remain stuck in his bullshit but I chose to move back to Alaska by myself and take my life in a completely new direction. 3) I married the first person that asked me because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and say no. Saying yes was the easiest option but I could have made both of us happier by taking the hard road and saying no. Happy to have this message cemented in my brain because it has helped me to choose to take @TheRingOfDOOM to London to film a miniseries on my iPhone. There is no path directly toward this goal but I’m going to make one because every step I take on this path will bring me closer to the people I admire the most. It took me 40 years to figure out that I think I can help both myself and millions of others by taking my clay fictional character around the world to highlight artists who are changing the world for the better with their art. It is because I’m sure that no one else has this exact goal that I will succeed. When I finally stopped being a follower and started to lead myself toward my own interests, I ended up right here… packing up all my art supplies and heading to Europe to change the world in the way that only I can.

I won't be packing up @TheRingOfDOOM's cardboard box apartment today so I can get some more footage before it sits in a storage unit for months.

The easiest thing I could do right now would be to keep the car that has been choking me with convenience for the last six years. I could figure out how to earn the $800 I’d need to pay for it while I am away and return to where it has inconvenience people by being in their way in two months; that would be the easiest option. To me, the beautiful car is the last relic of a life that I allowed someone else to choose for me. Last night, I wrote a script for the video I’ll make in the next couple days to sell my car. In the video, I’ll tell both the story of the car and all the opportunities it has provided me and also why it is time for me to let it go. My goal is to travel around Europe for as long as possible and I’d really love to live in New York (or in a Sprinter van en route all the places I have yet to see) when it is time to return to the US. I will not need a car in either of these places and continuing to pay for a car I don’t need will not help me get anywhere. When I worked at an Alaskan resort in the late nineties, most of the senior citizen tourists that came through would tell us that they wished they had traveled when they were younger. My time to travel is now, I’m leaving a week from today and I cannot drive to the places I want to go.

After I move all the belongings I love enough to keep in a storage unit indefinitely (LOL), I won’t need the car anymore. I will film the video that will both highlight the car’s value AND introduce people to the direction I am taking with my life. To do this, I will face one of my greatest fears and get on the otherside of the camera. Getting over this hurdle I’ve created to prevent myself from reaching my infinite potential will lead me directly toward the long journey that is my destination. I created this timeline for myself because I always perform my best when there is a deadline. The time is right now for me to move all this stuff to my storage unit and live out of a suitcase and a backpack for months; it will be the most excellent adventure I will have had so far. If I continue to hide, my progress will stop right here and this blog would need a new name. There is no more time for procrastination, it is time to do.. right now. I'm leaving a week from today. 

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     10 Minute Stretch

3.     Go For A Walk

4.     Blog Posts On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also) – LISBON!!

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.     Mail off the recently sold eBay items

7.    Take a load of stuff to my storage unit so I can show the world where I’ve been living while I figured out my life’s mission with a car load less clutter.

8.    Prep my car for a goodbye and start making it pretty for whoever buys it.

9.   Finally release my Lisbon post into the world so I can move onto Barcelona.

10.  Take the box of CD’s I’ve prepped to sell to Everyday Music

SONG OF THE DAY

Paul Simon – “Kodachrome” 1973  I cannot wait to share the photos I take in Europe and to see how my crazy project develops. There are at least a dozen Paul Simon songs that send me directly down memory lane when the first notes play. All of these memories became more vibrant after working with Paul Simon’s team a few months ago. Whenever I begin to doubt my vision or feel that my dreams are too big, I remind myself that by following my own path, I have evolved into someone who has disappointed Lauryn Hill by having the audacity to smile at her when driving her around, shown Dave Navarro where his makeup table is, driven world famous rappers around the country, headnodded Eddie Vedder and didn’t look back after I realized who he was, worked for Tom Petty’s documentary team, made some of my favorite musicians laugh, had Robin Williams yell “Hi Liz” to me from across a parking lot, turned my music blog into a roster of artists I’ve worked with, and had some of the most famous people in the world in the backseat of my car. If I was meant to work a regular job and follow a more traditional path, I would not have had these experiences… but I did choose to run towards my biggest dreams, and the opportunities keep getting bigger. Contemplating what may happen next has all the hairs on my arms standing at attention and the only way I will find out is to keep moving forward. It's time to pack.

Day 34 Of Delusional Optimist's Guide To Achieving The I'mPossible

Day 34

Last night when I got home from working the last day of Bumbershoot at 3am I drafted what would be today’s blog if it wasn’t so viciously honest. Instead I will summarize the 760 word passion filled rant by saying that the people in my work history who know they’re not following Spiderman’s uncle’s advice are visibly shook when they see me. The ones who are genuinely good people who just happen to work for the corporation had nice things to say and I think they're awesome. My greatest discovery since I double backflipped off the corporate ladder into credit card poverty is that when you work for well-intended leaders who are truly good at what they do, they’ll literally starve if you don’t have what you need to do your job well…  in addition to paying a livable wage and providing you with ample tools to reach your infinite potential.

SZA's image in the fountain at Seattle Center.

Thankfully, the fact that I was working at the festival helped me to rise above my social anxiety and meet some people I’ve been too intimidated by to speak to. I got to spend time with an artist I’ve been inspired by yesterday because I simply said hi and told him how much I admired his work. The half an hour or so we spent walking around the festival woke me the fuck up and I realized that I’ve been neglecting my superpowers. As always seems to be the case, the universe brings people into my life when I need them the most… and I needed to speak with a lot of people to feel the way I do today. Spending so much time in solitude over the last year and a half was exactly what I needed at the time but some of the people I met this weekend reminded me that I have already proven my ability to change people’s lives for the better in a 10 minute conversation or less because I see only their infinite potential. This is why I must wield my superpower on a global level and pursue this trip to Europe as if it is my only option for survival.

Terrible image of the amazing SZA onstage at Bumbershoot. 

On that note, I have seven sold eBay items to ship out today if the post office is actually open for the holiday (Google isn’t sure). I am releasing sixteen of my favorite DVDs so that I can ensure my own life will be movie-worthy. Unfortunately, most of the items I own are only important to me and don’t have much value in a seller’s market so the money I’m earning is not adding up to much. I now have TWO WEEKS until I leave for Europe and still lack the fundage to even pay for my monthly bills because I’m so optimistic that this will work out, I’ve mostly abandoned hourly wages. I have accepted four shifts for a catering company next week purely for the money; it will add up to very little but every dollar counts (as I write this I’m remembering that if I think hourly, I’ll get hourly; if I think large chunk of money, I’ll get a large chunk of money… shit, LOL).

Sadly, @TheRingOfDOOM has not been photographed in more than a week and The Vulcan Of Amazonia project has been procrastinated for over a month. I do have some footage of he and Eddie’s cardboard box apartment under Bezos’ Balls but I realized that I’ve likely been neglecting it because my whole schtick is to shine light on the good things. It could not be more important to raise awareness about the damage Amazon and Vulcan have done to the city but it hurts my heart to spend my time seeking out and highlighting the effects of villainous capitalists; they get enough press (because they own it). I have more than a few photos to make of the best parts of Seattle before I leave and it is a beautiful day outside (and inside).

TODAY’S GOALS

1.     Drink 64 oz. water

2.     10 Minute Stretch

3.     Go For A Walk

4.     Blog Post On Website… Shared (post on all blogs on Medium also)

5.     2-3 Instagram Posts Per Account @206liz @TheRingOfDOOM @MyDefOfCool

6.    Prep and attempt to mail eBay items.

7.    Brainstorm new Patreon video

8.    Take at least one photo of @TheRingOfDOOM with some Seattle Street Art

9.    Collage clean up session

SONG OF THE DAY

Tom Petty – “You Got Lucky” 1982   Following the trail of the happiest people in the music industry has repeatedly united me with the video team. My last day as a Runner when I met the blissed out traveling videographer of a famous rapper, my shifts with the documentary team at the Tom Petty show last summer, and working with the LiveXLive team this weekend has been a triple message from the universe that I have loved the combination of music and video since I first as exposed to MTV (in it’s actual music video era) as a child. This Tom Petty music video was the impetus of my long-running themed music video list addiction. While watching these visuals, I realized how many music videos I’d seen that take place in the desert; this led to hundreds of music video lists on my old Blogger site grouped together by random thing instead of genre. The thousands of videos I posted on my website were my foot in the door of the music industry that got lucky when I found it. My goal continues to be to create a path around the mainstream corporate vultures for truly talented, socially aware artists that make music I love listening to. Upon further reflection, I’ll say that it is the musicians/artists that got lucky when I found them; the music industry’s luck is running out.