When the larger than life Dr. Longarms and his brother Leerious lured me to their villa with a gifted SkyPuppy, I knew I should be wary. Anytime someone offers you something that shits snowstorms and pisses lightning when angry, you gotta take a closer look at the offer. To be fair, it’s not the SkyPuppy’s fault, he was created by shifts in energy… just like the rest of us.
Dr. Longarms and his nefariously charming twin brother had found me at one of my book signings in Paris. They offered to use their broad reach of contacts and voluminous villa to provide me with an artist residency/patronage to flesh out the MFDALI project in a fully sponsored, plentiful environment. They claimed that brisk afternoon walks with the SkyPuppy would help to inspire afternoon visions of creativity and that it would be a great bonding time on his turf before I was to bring him home with me. Since my current long-term travel prevents me from having the acreage necessary for such grandiosity, I let them know I’d be happy to spend time with the cloudy canine at their villa but I had to move on solo as my studio in Shoreditch is at miniature scale to save on rent money. They insisted I had the skills to level up at anytime and that I shouldn’t deny myself the friendship of such a paradisiacal puppy because I’m still thinking on a small scale.
I thought it over briefly and knew I had to embrace the opportunity, I’d heard enough about their kitchen staff’s credentials to know I’d eat like a rapacious regal… so I climbed in their pocket and settled in to remain small for the journey.
We arrived at the Varicose Villa on a partly cloudy afternoon and I was alarmed to see stoic stratus sky turn to a dangerously delighted doggy in 1.111 seconds. He bounded toward me, licking my face with a tidal wave of slobbery rain leaving a prodigious puddle in its wake. I instantly knew I should have packed differently but was quickly ushered into the guest house to the roaring fireplace near a computerized insta-sew closet of infinite potential. Dr. Longarms and Leerious left me with a cup of hot tea and a dinner appointment in the garden’s gaslit greenhouse in an hour.
I shit, showered, and shaved before diving into the tremendously tailored outfit of my infinite imagination in an instant and headed down the spiraling staircase to supper. Leerious and Dr. Longarms greeted me and the latter said, “we took it upon ourselves to diagnose your doodoo to determine the dinner menu. Looks like you’re in need of some vegetation so we’re having a stir fry.” My mask couldn’t hide the shock on my clay face at this statement. “We’ve taken it upon ourselves to examine your encephalon with our shower scanners to determine exactly what you need to create the life you want for yourself.” Leerious said.
I sunk into the seat they’d pulled out for me at the table and listened as Dr. Longarms continued… “we know you’re seeking the stability of a patronage and we’d love to provide the perfect position for you at the palace of your pleasure. Thanks to our detailed daily brain scans, all of your needs, wishes, and dreams will be manifested in the moments before you decide you desire them.”
I couldn’t help but linger on the logical lore of last year’s literature about gaslighting while listening to the shared monologue of Dr. Longarms, Leerious, and the red flags blowing in the wind outside the greenhouse. I’d been in a gaslit room before but it had never been so blindingly lit as to outshine the inner workings of my own brain like this. When the leading doctor of optics and his suspiciously submissive sidekick were telling me what I wanted would autonomously appear before I knew I wanted it, I decided to listen to the rest of their speech before chiming in.
“Once your brain has sufficiently secreted the last of struggle mode and moved into capital creative mode, your art will make itself as you begin to extract the lessons of your life from the external stressors. We know that determining what one wants from life can be difficult but we’ve gone ahead to multiple dimensions to decide what’s best for you in the long run. You’ll be able to spend your days watching your creative impulses in effortless progress while eating and drinking the finest meals you can imagine with the world’s fluffiest fido as a forever friend.”
I hadn’t expected the evil of their plan to envelop my existence so egregiously before their speech was over. Turns out the tea I drank upon arrival (or the shave gel) had all eight of the brothers extremities oscillating artificially in unison with the waves mirroring those of the red flags that had begun to beat furiously outside like a drum solo at a death metal show. I casually leaned back in my seat to glance through the glass roof of the greenhouse at the SkyPuppy who was looking at me with alarm and worry. I could sense my personality had already been uploaded to his cloud so I was able to give him a knowing wink before I gave the twins and their spiel my falsely full attention once again. The red flags calmed as if to acknowledge the impetus of affirmation of mutual safety my wink had provided.
I decided to take a turn about the room so I could stroll and nod as they continued on about the technological advances they’d encapsulated into the indoor and outdoor environment of the establishment. The remote control around their necks poking out of their parka particularly struck my attention as I realized they were telling me my needs would all be met by an all-knowing computer until the end of the information era. Since I’ve had the questionable pleasure of traveling both backwards and forwards in time, I’ve seen the malevolent powers of Siri and Alexa take their tolls on the western world and know where all this is headed. Since the firsthand knowledge of eventual uprising happened in the future, it didn’t yet appear on my brain scans so I was safe to plan my escape for the moment while the overconfident opposition continued their maliciously manipulative monologue.
“The SkyPuppy’s leash controls will mean you also have control of the weather and you’ll be able to write up a storm, sit in the sun, or run in the rain as you see fit.” Leerious rambled on. His alliteration wasn’t nearly as astute as his academically adept accomplice so I gained some traction of clarity in the chasms my mind about my next move as Dr. Longarms continued. “The SkyPuppy has been downloaded with the cuddle genes because we know you’re into that sort of intimacy,” the doctor went on as I casually took note of the gas valve near the fireplace that was the source of power for the entire gaslit greenhouse. “We’ve activated Stupendously Super-Sized SkyPuppy Stature for your first visit to impress you but she can stay sofa-sized to stretch snugglibility as you see suited. You’ll soon find that all your needs are met by the computer system and your SkyPuppy friend… eliminating the need for all future contact with others on Earth.”
Right around this time, I realized that they weren’t going to stop selling me on this opportunity so I kept nodding as I lingered around the gas valve and then casually rotated it to the right until all the gas-powered lights went out. The SkyPuppy sensed my strategy and used the opportunity to shit a couple lightning bolts at the frame of the greenhouse while simultaneously creating a wind tunnel that transported me to trustworthy territory far from the influence of the gas-lit globe. Since Earth is the most gaslit planet of your galaxy… dwarfing even the great gaseous Jupiter, we ended up at the Enceladus Starport’s bar toasting the exodus and extracting the lessons we learned over pizza and moonwine.
We decided that leaving Dr. Longarms and Leerius without a victim to torch with their evil would only stop them temporarily and that we must do everything in our power to prevent them from gaslighting their next victim. We hacked into the Varicose Villa’s computer system to record the evidence we’d need to prevent any future fatalities and made a YouTube video. It quickly went viral because Earth’s algorithm is primitive when educated elsewhere and the overreaching authority of Dr. Longarm and his twin brother Leerius White was ended eternally with one three minute video.
